Laura: Hello and welcome to a very merry, festive episode of Lex Education.
Laura: It's usually the common science podcast where comedian me Laura Lex tries to learn science from her nerdy younger brother, Normal Ron.
Laura: But for two weeks, and two weeks only, we're kicking the syllabus off a cliff and watching it dangle in space till it smashes on a rock.
Laura: And we're instead talking about Christmas with little mini sciency twists.
Laura: Hi, Ron.
Ron: Hello and welcome to Christmas at the Lex Education headquarters.
Laura: Runcap has been mulling us wine all day.
Laura: We're full of minced pie.
Ron: Rusty sugars whittled us a toy and we got it under the tree.
Laura: Thank you, Rusty sugar.
Laura: You're welcome, Mr.
Laura: Bayou.
Laura: For the last time, Rusty, my name's Laura, not Mr.
Laura: Bayou.
Laura: Hello, Ron.
Ron: Hi.
Laura: We're having a festive week.
Ron: Yeah, cheers.
Laura: Cheers.
Laura: Ding.
Laura: That wasn't a sound effect, everyone.
Laura: That was actual glasses.
Laura: Ron's drinking red wine.
Laura: I'm drinking white wine.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Even though I have a headache from all the wine I drank yesterday, I do not love red wine.
Laura: But I wish I did.
Ron: Why don't you like red wine?
Laura: It just tastes too.
Laura: Like blood.
Ron: No, it's just red.
Laura: I like port and I like white wine.
Laura: But red wine has a really long, flat flavour.
Laura: It tastes like the surface of metal and I don't like it.
Ron: Okay, moving on from that, Laura.
Ron: It's the Christmas episode.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: We'Re into the special season.
Laura: We are into the ghost town season.
Ron: What?
Laura: It's not by the specials?
Ron: I don't know.
Laura: This town is coming like a ghost town.
Laura: Is that the special?
Ron: I don't know, man.
Ron: I look like I listen to scar.
Laura: Hang on, I'm going to google the specials.
Ron: I'm going to take this time it.
Laura: Is by the special.
Ron: Read out one of the Christmas questions we've been asked.
Ron: Violet says, should we keep celebrating for the full twelve days until epiphany.
Ron: Depends what the epiphany is that you have, Violet.
Laura: Yeah, crack on.
Laura: The thing is, I think knocking it out of the park Christmas has done a switcheroo, hasn't it?
Laura: Because in the past you didn't do anything until like Christmas Day.
Ron: You'd sort of advent.
Laura: Yeah, but I didn't think it was fun.
Ron: And then Christmas anything was fun before, like 1975.
Laura: Yeah, I think I agree largely.
Laura: And then you'd celebrate Christmas afterwards, whereas nowadays we do lots of build up fun and then on Boxing Day we're like, yeah, get this out of my sight.
Laura: Sick of it.
Laura: Bye.
Ron: I love Boxing Day.
Ron: Boxing Day is probably my fave.
Laura: Mine's Christmas Eve.
Ron: Christmas Eve is good.
Laura: I love Christmas Eve.
Laura: I love the anticipation.
Laura: I love how tidy everything is.
Laura: I love a vacuumed floor.
Laura: I love just glittery bits and boo balls.
Ron: Yeah, it is nice and clean on Christmas Eve.
Laura: I love it when things are clean.
Ron: Do you?
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: F*** you, Ron.
Laura: My house is nice and clean.
Laura: It's just I have a toddler.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: I'm making jokes.
Ron: I'm helping.
Ron: I appreciate how you like things clean.
Laura: Look, as you said, you like things clean, like.
Laura: Well, why is your house like this, then?
Ron: Yeah, you must be really upset.
Ron: Such a s***.
Laura: It's just messy sometimes, but I always tidy it up.
Ron: I'm joking.
Laura: You're not, though.
Ron: Let me have a joke with you.
Laura: You're not joking, though.
Laura: You're not joking.
Laura: I know from your voice.
Laura: No, you're not.
Ron: I'm joking with you.
Laura: Ah.
Ron: Just leaning on this pile of books, having a nice joke.
Laura: There's so many books there.
Laura: There's notepads that I haven't finished writing in.
Laura: There's my laughter book, Robert R.
Laura: Provine's book.
Laura: Need to start doing laughter three soon.
Laura: Third laughter episode.
Laura: I'm enjoying those ones.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: What are we doing today, Ron?
Ron: We're doing Christmas.
Laura: What have you asked for for Christmas?
Ron: I didn't answer anything.
Laura: Oh, what are you hoping for, a full beard?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Let's get really mean.
Laura: What's happening to your eyes?
Ron: I think the top lashes, bottom lashes have joined, meshed in the middle.
Laura: Made a union.
Ron: You join a union.
Laura: Join.
Laura: We haven't said that in a long time.
Laura: Join a union, guys.
Ron: No, because it started to feel like.
Laura: The unions were winning for a bit.
Ron: I think what we need to do is add a new cause to our list.
Laura: What about, hey, a mission.
Laura: I'd like.
Laura: Please stop using fairy Liquid, everybody.
Laura: It's dangerous to aquatic life with long lasting effects.
Ron: F****** h***.
Laura: And everybody just pours it down the sink.
Laura: And once I saw somebody cleaning the deck of their boat with it, and they were literally just squishing into the sea without it even going through a treatment plan.
Ron: Oh, that's bad.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: In Belgium, fairy liquids called drift.
Laura: That is less sexy.
Laura: Like Dre, maybe.
Ron: Drift.
Ron: Drift.
Ron: And that sounds like it kills fish.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: Anyway, so last year we.
Laura: Merry Christmas.
Ron: Merry Christmas.
Ron: Draft.
Ron: Last year, we did the science of home alone.
Ron: And we did how to make a reindeer fly.
Laura: How to make a reindeer fly.
Ron: How to make a reindeer fly.
Ron: One of my favorite episodes we've ever done.
Laura: Agreed.
Laura: Hard agreed.
Ron: So today's episode is going to be a little similar to that, but we're going to talk about the anatomy of a Christmas elf.
Laura: Oh, I was a Christmas elf.
Laura: Rom.
Ron: Yes.
Ron: We're going to point out things about your body.
Laura: Let's not do that.
Laura: That would make me terrifically sad.
Ron: No, we're going to talk about elves in the North Pole.
Laura: That's where I was an elf.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: You were in Lapland.
Laura: Yep.
Laura: In the North Pole.
Laura: Pretty much.
Laura: Stop blinking so much.
Laura: It's making me think you're trying to flirt with me.
Ron: No, my eyes.
Ron: Weird.
Laura: Don't squeeze them.
Ron: I'm squeezing the lids.
Laura: Don't.
Laura: That's where the ball is now.
Laura: You squeeze your lid and then hate it when it makes that popping noise.
Ron: I love that.
Laura: When it unsucks off your eye.
Ron: Stop.
Laura: Do you think that that made it under the recording?
Ron: Yes.
Ron: I'll have to edit this one.
Ron: What's the first feature that you think about when you think about elves?
Ron: Not even just Christmas elves, Laura.
Laura: Ears.
Ron: Pointy ears.
Ron: We're going to get that out the way.
Laura: First off, loads of people are having surgery nowadays to get elphin ears.
Ron: You need to stop reading the mail online.
Laura: No, it's on TikTok.
Laura: It's just the cosmetic surgery that people have.
Ron: I don't think loads of people are getting summer people have had that done.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: I didn't say it was a bad thing either.
Ron: No, but you're just stirring up discontent.
Laura: Why is that discontenting?
Ron: Because you know that all the f****** old boomers.
Laura: Oh, yeah, but that's good.
Laura: Get discontented about people getting alfiers.
Laura: At least it saves, like people just trying to get here for a safe life.
Laura: Like a day of shouting.
Ron: You think people are coming here in small boats to shout?
Laura: No, I mean they get shouted at by daily mail boomers when they get here.
Laura: I didn't think anybody.
Laura: Speaking of smiley Mirror because they're like, she couldn't shout back where I was before.
Laura: And I just heard there was some really good shouting opportunities on these fair aisles.
Ron: Point ears.
Ron: Laura, what are ears for?
Laura: Sound.
Laura: Hearing.
Laura: So like, I know what hearing is.
Laura: They got a hole in them and then there's like a drum and vibrating stuff and the sound waves go and turns into electrical impulse and then you decipher it and then the actual ear bit that you can see is like a little capture satellite dish for noises.
Ron: Do you know why our ears look the way that they do?
Laura: It's just sexy.
Ron: You hate ears.
Laura: You don't think that I don't hate ears, I don't like it when the lobes are unattached to the head.
Laura: Some people like my earlobes, really?
Laura: They're attached from top to bottom to my head.
Laura: Some people have a very separate lobe that just dangles with a lot of space, and I hate that.
Ron: Mine are good, normal.
Laura: Yours are half and half.
Ron: Yeah, good normal.
Laura: No.
Laura: Yeah, I want full attachment like mine.
Ron: No.
Ron: Anywho, do you know, I've never checked.
Laura: Child of the podcasts?
Laura: What if she's got danglers?
Ron: Leave her outside.
Laura: You don't see ears very often, they're always covered in jam anyway.
Ron: Pointy ears, Laura.
Ron: Now, ears have lots of different functions, hearing being one of them, but you can obviously actually hear without owls.
Ron: You can hear without owls, I hear without owls every day of my life.
Laura: Owls don't have sticky outer ear bits, but they can still hear.
Ron: No, birds do.
Laura: Oh, yeah, owls have their ears at different levels on their head, so one's down on their chin and one's up in their forehead.
Ron: Why?
Laura: Gives them a better sense of where things are.
Laura: Spatial reasoning from the sound.
Ron: Yeah, and our ears are the same thing.
Laura: No, they're even.
Ron: No, but the reason that we have them is also so we can hear directionally, because if it was just a hole in the side of our head, it would sound the same if something was coming from behind or from the beginning.
Ron: From the beginning, because we got ears like this.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: And the sound does change if you play with your ears.
Laura: I'm doing it right now.
Laura: Do you love my earrings?
Laura: They're my Christmas earrings.
Laura: New ones this year?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So, elves, they're pretty similar to humans.
Laura: Hey, do you reckon they used to fly and so they got pointy ears for wind resistance?
Laura: No.
Ron: Okay, why would you have ears?
Ron: To increase wind resistance?
Laura: No.
Laura: To reduce wind resistance?
Ron: No.
Laura: Because if they're flying forward, a pointy nose, pointy nosed ears, like an aeroplane, like Concord.
Laura: That makes sense.
Ron: No.
Laura: Whoops.
Laura: Who's emailing you?
Laura: Who's whatsapping you?
Ron: I don't know, I'm not checking it because I'm a professor.
Laura: Not.
Laura: Otherwise it wouldn't even be going off, you'd have it closed like me.
Ron: I had the sound on to make jingle bell noises earlier.
Ron: What was I saying?
Ron: So obviously they've got directional listening.
Laura: They need to be hearing magnitude vector, what?
Ron: Toys to make.
Ron: And they need to be known who's telling them to make toys.
Ron: Yeah, because, like, if there are two, don't moisturize.
Ron: Right?
Laura: Now I want to.
Laura: My hands are dry.
Ron: Give me some.
Laura: I don't want to squirt moisturizer into your hands.
Laura: This stuff comes out really cool, like vermicelli.
Laura: Oh, no.
Laura: It might be not being in love.
Ron: What was I saying?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So obviously they need directional listening now, but we kind of have to.
Ron: I guess the point of what we're doing here is theorizing why elves are different to humans.
Laura: Right.
Laura: Ooh.
Laura: Maybe it's something to do with the cold temperature that they live at.
Ron: Yeah, but having big ears is going to cool you down.
Laura: Yes.
Ron: So lots of animals use ears for temperature regulation because you can change how much blood you send to your ears.
Ron: Once.
Ron: Freaked you out about that.
Laura: That just seems like a savage sentence, doesn't it?
Laura: I'm too hot.
Laura: Send more blood to my ears.
Ron: This stuff smells, dog.
Laura: It doesn't smell of anything.
Laura: I've got the same stuff.
Ron: Smell my hand.
Laura: Because if it smells, it's your hand that smells.
Ron: Smell my hand moisturizer.
Laura: Because I put it on my hand.
Laura: They just smell your hand.
Ron: No, your hand smells bad, too.
Ron: Smell my hand.
Laura: My hand always smells like that.
Ron: Your hand smells bad.
Laura: Oh, no, look, it's all coming through the top crack.
Laura: Here, have some more.
Laura: Don't put it on my wine.
Laura: Don't, don't, don't.
Laura: Anyway, very.
Ron: We need to get through some of this episode.
Laura: Well, do it, then.
Laura: Do it.
Ron: We're chalking up the pointy ears to temperature regulation because they're going to have to go outside in the pole, but then also they have to be inside in the workshop.
Ron: So I think that it's just going to be a way of cooling down and heating up because they're going in between two extremes of temperature.
Laura: Do you reckon the workshop is quite hot?
Ron: I think it's going to be boiling hot in there.
Ron: And there's like a steam whistle and fires.
Laura: Oh.
Laura: Another reason they might be pointy is a really exceptional shape for holding a pencil behind it, for making notes for the toys.
Laura: They're making.
Ron: Love that.
Ron: Prehensile ears holding things.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Or like, if you're making a yoyo and you need to hook the string somewhere, your ear is a functional hook.
Laura: Keeps your hat on, too.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Hat is yoyos.
Ron: Yeah, that's the ears.
Ron: We're just getting that out of the way because there's more interesting stuff to talk about.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: Now, the next thing that I wanted to discuss about elves is their diet and what they eat.
Laura: Well, yes.
Ron: So we've all seen the documentary elf working title, run.
Laura: Shout out.
Laura: Stephen.
Laura: My favorite of the suggestions.
Ron: What does will Ferrell eat in elf?
Laura: Candy?
Laura: Corn syrup.
Laura: Just basically sugar.
Laura: Sugar?
Laura: Sugar?
Laura: Sugar, yeah.
Ron: Loads and loads of sugar.
Laura: Honey.
Laura: Honey.
Laura: You are my elfie.
Laura: Goo.
Ron: So what I looked into was another creature that just eats sugar all the time.
Laura: Hummingbirds.
Ron: Hummingbirds, really?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Hummingbirds just eat nectar all the time.
Laura: It's nectar.
Laura: Sugar?
Laura: Yeah, nectar.
Ron: What did you think it was?
Laura: Goo.
Ron: It was really sweet.
Laura: I've never eaten nectar.
Ron: Why have you never eaten nectar?
Laura: Why would I have eaten nectar?
Laura: You've never eaten nectar?
Ron: Nectar.
Laura: Why have you eaten nectar?
Laura: Where have you had nectar?
Ron: Flower.
Laura: No, you haven't.
Ron: You never had those little pink flowers on the ground.
Ron: Sweet.
Laura: No, Ron, you foraging b******.
Laura: I think just eat flowers.
Ron: Why not?
Ron: Nectar's sweet.
Laura: That's is nectar.
Laura: Honey?
Ron: No, honey's honey, you f****** idiot.
Laura: What's the difference?
Ron: It's been through a bee.
Laura: Through a bee?
Laura: I bet that's very similar.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: The bees eat the nectar, they make honey.
Laura: What's pollen?
Ron: Is that gin?
Laura: Nectar?
Ron: No.
Laura: F***.
Laura: So what's nectar for?
Ron: For attracting bees.
Laura: Bees.
Laura: Okay.
Laura: But we can eat it, too.
Ron: It's just sugar.
Ron: No, because we're not bees.
Ron: You only had one glass of wine.
Laura: I just think it's awoken the mull.
Ron: Now, hummingbirds eat nectar.
Ron: Nectar is just sugar water that flowers make to attract bees and hummingbirds and moths and all kinds of monkeys and stuff.
Ron: Then they come in, they eat the nectar.
Ron: Delicious.
Ron: Thank you, flower.
Ron: That seems like a free lunch, and it kind of is, because then, just like, the monkey gets pollen on his face, and then the monkey key goes to another flower and eats the nectar from that and leaves the pollen.
Ron: There you get it.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: It just seems weird to me because we have the phrases like nectar of the gods, but it feels like, why did we already know about nectar?
Laura: That feels like a modern discovery, a.
Ron: Thing that's readily abundant in flowers, but.
Laura: Small, really small, humans couldn't see anything.
Ron: Smaller than a walnut until the 17th century.
Laura: Flowers.
Laura: But I don't know.
Laura: What does nectar look like?
Ron: So many things you don't know.
Laura: Is it in all flowers?
Ron: Like, once they're pollinated by things they need to attract?
Ron: Probably.
Laura: Where's the nectar?
Laura: What does it look like?
Ron: It's just a liquid.
Laura: There's no liquid in most flowers.
Laura: I've looked at loads of flowers.
Laura: There's no liquid in them.
Ron: There's liquid in them.
Laura: Where?
Ron: In them.
Laura: See, you don't know.
Ron: In nectar secreting areas.
Laura: I've looked at loads of marigolds.
Laura: And I've pulled them apart to get the seeds out, and I've never seen any nectar in there.
Ron: Do marigolds have nectar?
Ron: Yes.
Ron: Marigolds have nectar.
Laura: No.
Ron: Where is the nectar.
Laura: Google's going to be like, is a bee diving?
Ron: It's there.
Ron: It's at the base.
Laura: Well, how are they supposed to get to that?
Ron: They climb in past all the f****** pollen.
Ron: Oh, you're such a rube.
Ron: If you were running the beehive.
Ron: That's how they get the pollen on them.
Laura: But how does the bee know it's there?
Laura: Can it smell it?
Ron: Because bees have been eating it for f****** 100 million years.
Ron: You credit.
Laura: I wouldn't hide it right at the.
Ron: Bottom, but they need the bee to go all the way in.
Ron: They're not just providing a f****** soup kitchen for bees.
Laura: Okay, why did we get onto this?
Ron: Because hummingbirds eat nectar.
Laura: Which is sugar, and elves love sugar, and elves love sugar.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: So first adaptation, an elf is going to have big heart.
Ron: We already knew that.
Ron: They're lovely creatures.
Ron: They're making all these toys for kids.
Ron: But they also need that because the high sugar diet means that their heart is going to be working overtime all the time.
Ron: Hummingbirds have the biggest hearts in relation to their body of all animals.
Ron: I read today, proportionally, it is eight times bigger than a human's.
Laura: How big is my heart?
Ron: The size of your fist.
Laura: Okay.
Laura: Eight fists.
Laura: 1234-5678 f***.
Laura: That would take up, like, your entire.
Ron: Chest cavity if it was weird and flat, like the one that you just kind of laid out.
Ron: Yeah, but it could just be sort of like this, kind of the size of a squat pineapple.
Laura: That was only four.
Laura: You just drew out.
Laura: No, four.
Ron: That's 123-4560 yeah, but that would be too big.
Laura: Then it wouldn't fit in your ribcage.
Laura: It'd have to be flatter.
Ron: Yeah, but we don't actually have this.
Laura: No.
Ron: So we probably have bigger ribs.
Laura: We could.
Laura: No, then we'd look weird.
Ron: Elves must look barrely.
Laura: Real barrely.
Ron: A hummingbird's heart, Laura, beats depending on.
Laura: The hummingbirds are barrel shaped.
Laura: Do they have a pancreas?
Ron: Yes.
Laura: Do birds have all the same stuff?
Laura: We've got a liver and.
Ron: Yeah, mostly.
Laura: Are the Hummingbirds.
Laura: Do they have.
Ron: Their hearts are different.
Ron: Lizards have different hearts as well.
Laura: Do they?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: A Lizard Heart only has three bits to it.
Laura: Shake it all about in.
Ron: Out on a porch.
Laura: A porch, I don't know, ventricle.
Ron: Hummingbird's heart, Laura.
Ron: Depending on the amount of exercise.
Ron: It's been doing beats between 501,200 times a minute.
Laura: F****** h***.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So the elves wonder.
Laura: They're flitting like the whole hummingbird must be just vibrating from the heart beating.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So our elves, you're probably going to be able to hear that, right?
Ron: They've got the Massive Heart.
Ron: There's loads of them.
Ron: And it's being hundreds of times a minute.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: And it's quiet in the North Pole.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: The valve slaps going on even before the machinery's turned on.
Ron: These elves are going to be really loud.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Drumbeat yeah.
Laura: Maybe they work to the tune of their heartbeats, though, and that's how they get so much done.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Maybe they just have like, chesty, the big hearted elf at the front.
Laura: Maybe they have a cute nickname for Santa, just slow Heart.
Laura: Maybe he's just there like Buddhum, but.
Ron: We'Ll talk more about.
Laura: And they're like, how does he stay alive?
Laura: His heart can't be beating fast enough.
Ron: A Hummingbird can eat three times their body weight and nectar in a day because they are just processing.
Ron: If they can find it, they find it.
Ron: They're good at finding it.
Ron: Otherwise they die.
Ron: If you scaled that up to humans, like, calories wise, that would be 150,000 calories a day.
Laura: F****** H***.
Laura: That's Christmas Day, man.
Ron: So not only are these elves eating all this sugar, they're eating a fuckload of it.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Are we talking about Hummingbirds or Elves?
Ron: We're modeling our elves off of Hummingbirds.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: It's kind of an analogy.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: I'm talking about Hummingbirds, but we're using it to learn about elves.
Ron: But elves aren't real.
Ron: It's kind of a thought experiment.
Laura: Yes.
Ron: So Hummingbirds don't just.
Ron: Not All Hummingbird.
Ron: Some Hummingbirds just eat nectar, but not all of them do.
Ron: Some of them eat insects and stuff as well.
Laura: Whoa.
Ron: A hummingbird eats and s**** a.
Ron: Whoa.
Laura: Imagine a hummingbird eating an insect rolled in nectar.
Ron: And they'd love it.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: A hummingbird can eat and s*** out a spider in 15 minutes.
Laura: F****** h***.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: That's like me on a bad day.
Laura: That's me and a granny Smith.
Ron: Their digestion is 70 times faster than ours.
Laura: They just seems like a bad idea.
Ron: Why?
Laura: Because all you're doing, it's like cows, isn't it?
Laura: All you're doing all day is eating grass just to stay alive.
Ron: What do you think animals are?
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: F****** pointless.
Laura: I think, actually that's all animals.
Laura: You have to go this fast in order to be able to get all the food and process it, but then you have to have the food in order to be able to survive.
Laura: That's just too much on the rat race, man.
Ron: All life is.
Ron: Is a big rat race.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: They don't have any lifetime.
Laura: You just don't get any rest if you're an animal.
Ron: No.
Ron: So what you might be thinking is.
Laura: Just kill yourself now, because what's the point?
Laura: But that's only if you're a hummingbird.
Laura: I've got a point.
Laura: I've got a life.
Laura: I'm okay.
Ron: What you might be thinking now is how come all these hummingbirds don't just have, like, diabetes all the time?
Laura: They are mainly made.
Laura: All the feathers are full of insulin.
Laura: Glycagon.
Laura: All the feathers are full of glycagon.
Ron: Well, it's glucagon, but also no, insulin is kind of the problem when you've got diabetes because you just got too much insulin in your blood all the time.
Laura: Yeah, that's why I said glycol.
Ron: But that just releases more.
Ron: Releases more sugar, doesn't it?
Laura: Does it?
Laura: Gets rid of it.
Ron: You respire it.
Ron: You turn it into energy to get rid of it.
Laura: Maybe they're doing that then.
Ron: Yeah, they are.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Their heart's beating a thousand times a f****** minute.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Just p****** sugar.
Laura: So, yeah, they're basically hard to get it in now.
Laura: It's a fight to get it out.
Ron: They're kind of just processing it, really.
Laura: We never, ever eat carbohydrates.
Ron: Sugar is carbohydrate.
Ron: Starch and stuff like that.
Ron: That's just sugar.
Ron: It's a Polymer of sugar.
Laura: So it's chocolate.
Laura: A carbohydrate.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Sugars are carbohydrates.
Ron: Saccharides.
Laura: Do hummingbirds have protein?
Ron: Yes, I said earlier they eat spiders sometimes.
Laura: I'm picturing a hummingbird eating a plate of mashed potatoes.
Ron: The bottom line is that they process all of this sugar just way better than we do.
Laura: Because.
Laura: Merry Christmas.
Ron: Because let's do another Christmas question.
Laura: So much philosophy today.
Ron: Carol Cazo says, best and worst chocolate from a Cadbury heroes.
Laura: Hang on.
Ron: I don't know if we were a hero's family.
Laura: Cadbury's heroes.
Laura: What are we looking at in a heroes?
Laura: Right.
Laura: We're looking at Eclair Fudge whisper, dairy milk, crunchy bits, twirl Cadbury dairy milk, double decker cream egg twister.
Laura: I'm gonna say twirl is my favorite of those.
Ron: It's not a strong bunch, is it?
Laura: No.
Laura: Eclairs.
Laura: Fine fudge, garbage.
Laura: Whisper.
Laura: Great dairy milk, great crunchy bits.
Laura: Garbage.
Laura: Twelve great dairy milk.
Laura: Caramel, fine double deckers.
Laura: Garbage.
Ron: So many more options.
Laura: Cream, eggs.
Ron: The one that I'm garbage.
Ron: Okay, I think I found one.
Ron: Best one there, maybe the whisper.
Ron: Yeah, whispers are good.
Ron: Oh, dinky decker.
Ron: That's why they call the double decker.
Ron: Worst one.
Ron: Eclairs.
Ron: All crunchies equals on zero points.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Thing is, I like a crunchy.
Laura: Those crunchy bits, not good.
Ron: I don't like the honeycomb.
Ron: It gets stuck in your teeth and it tastes, like, burnt.
Ron: We'll come back.
Ron: Carol submitted multiple questions.
Ron: We'll come back to you later, Carol.
Ron: Just checking to see if any other questions have come through.
Ron: I don't have Internet.
Ron: Yeah, so they basically, the hummingbirds just kind of process the sugar real good because they're using it all the time.
Ron: However, having high blood sugar all the time has unforeseen problems that even if.
Laura: You'Re just going to be s******* every 15.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Diapered up elves vibrating to the speed of their massive beating heart.
Ron: Constantly eating, constantly s*******.
Laura: I reckon they must have to be on like, drips then, in the workshop.
Ron: No, I think they're just like, tinker.
Ron: Tinker, tinker, tinker.
Ron: Tinker, Tinker.
Laura: Yeah, that's a new version of Tinker Taylor.
Laura: So just by Tinker.
Laura: Tinker, Tinker.
Ron: So here's an interesting thing.
Ron: So one of the problems that you get.
Laura: I just caught my eye on the possible episode Titus for 77.
Laura: And listen here, run gab.
Laura: I'll wipe my meaty chat across all your dilottis.
Laura: Really made me giggle.
Ron: We haven't discussed what we want to call it.
Ron: That's possibly a bit long.
Laura: Terry.
Laura: Pratriarchy.
Ron: It's strong.
Laura: That's good.
Ron: Anyway, so a problem that you get when you have high blood sugar.
Laura: If we did t*** and funnies, it would be good for the SEO.
Ron: Yeah, problem that you get when you have high blood sugar for too long.
Laura: Laurie, is your feet fall off?
Ron: You're not going to guess this.
Ron: You don't know things.
Laura: I do know things.
Laura: You don't know your feet fall off.
Ron: You didn't know what honey was earlier.
Laura: I did know what honey was.
Ron: You asked if we ate loads of nectar.
Ron: If weed s*** out honey, what's a.
Laura: Bee got in it then?
Laura: That's different.
Laura: Does a bee have organs?
Ron: It needs to make honey.
Laura: Does a bee have a heart?
Ron: Insects are different.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Does it have a heart?
Ron: Probably several.
Laura: Several hearts.
Laura: Does it have a liver?
Ron: No.
Laura: Whoa.
Ron: Not in the way that we know.
Ron: It's called glycation.
Ron: Glycation, glycation.
Laura: Ever mind a crisp?
Laura: Is glycation.
Laura: Hold a.
Laura: Hold a hodie, hodie, ho.
Ron: So glycation is where, basically, sugar is.
Laura: Where you go on holiday.
Ron: You need to let me do some of this.
Ron: I have been trying to start this f****** sentence for about eight minutes.
Ron: Sweet glycation sugar.
Ron: High energy molecule.
Ron: It's reactive.
Ron: Sugar burns, right.
Ron: You can set fire to sugar.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: And it hurts.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Because it sticks on you.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Hot.
Ron: So sugar, when it's in your blood, is binding with stuff in there.
Laura: It's not hot in your blood, though.
Ron: No, didn't say that it was.
Ron: You said it was.
Laura: Remember now?
Ron: So it's binding to proteins and f****** them up.
Ron: There's loads of stuff in your blood.
Ron: Things like hemoglobin.
Ron: Sugar is binding on bad.
Ron: What stops this from happening?
Ron: Vitamin C.
Ron: Vitamin C.
Ron: Hummingbirds make their own vitamin c.
Ron: They don't have to drink Orange juice.
Laura: I tried to say wow, and a burp came up.
Ron: You tried to burp and then turn it into a wow?
Ron: It was so transparent and gross.
Laura: The burp?
Laura: No, hummingbirds.
Ron: Hummingbirds.
Laura: I think it's the hummingbirds.
Laura: They make their own vitamin C.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: So an orange is a war between the sugar in it and the vitamin C in it are just fighting each other.
Laura: No.
Laura: I thought vitamin C cleaned up sugar.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: Not what I said at all.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: However, some level of glancation does happen, which means hummingbirds just have a real high turnover of blood.
Ron: They have new blood a lot.
Laura: They've got like a new blood stuck on their bum.
Ron: No, they process it.
Ron: You turn blood into bile.
Laura: Do you?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Billy Rubin.
Ron: Billy Rubin.
Laura: What's Billy Rubin?
Ron: Billy Rubin, I think is like the molecule in between blood and bile.
Ron: What is Billy Rubin?
Ron: Hang on.
Ron: Billy Rubin's a thing.
Laura: Billy Rubin.
Laura: Sounds like Rusty sugar's boyfriend.
Ron: Bilirubin is a yellowish pigment that's made during the breakdown of red blood cells.
Ron: Bilirubin passes through the liver and is eventually excreted out of the body.
Ron: Higher than usual levels of bilirubin may indicate different types of liver or bile duct.
Laura: I'll never forget the day she blew into town.
Laura: Old rusty sugar coming by Billy Rubin's workshop.
Ron: Run, cat.
Ron: So there.
Ron: They make a lot of blood.
Laura: You can't just call him Billy Rubin and then this is Michael Starsgard.
Laura: You can't just call it Billy Rubin.
Ron: I'm sorry.
Ron: It is just called Billy Rubin.
Laura: That's mad.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Is that where feeling Bilius comes from.
Laura: Probably got a lot of Billy Rubin in you.
Ron: Probably.
Ron: That's Billy Rubin etymology.
Ron: It comes from the latin bilis, which means bile, and the latin ruba red.
Ron: Red.
Ron: And then via German English we just added the n.
Ron: Nice.
Laura: So the Germans call it Billy rub.
Ron: Billy Ruba, I guess.
Ron: Billy Rube.
Ron: Billy Rube.
Laura: Billy rub.
Laura: Sounds like what you should stop.
Laura: Used to call your Willy or Billy.
Laura: Yeah, having a little Billy rub.
Ron: Also used to call it William.
Laura: Did you?
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: What, in front of other people?
Ron: Formally my william.
Laura: Now we call it a meaty tad.
Ron: Elves live in the.
Ron: Do another Christmas question and nobody's sent any in on instagram, you idiots.
Ron: Only a few people sent them in on twitter.
Laura: To be fair, we didn't give them very long.
Ron: No.
Ron: Carol asks as well.
Ron: Favourite Christmas film?
Laura: Mine.
Ron: Well, both of ours.
Ron: Yeah, we do the podcast.
Ron: Why are you just on your phone now?
Laura: Because I'm trying to sell Nana's walking stick.
Ron: Billy Ruben.
Ron: Merry Christmas.
Laura: My favourite Christmas film?
Laura: Well, while you were sleeping, obviously.
Ron: Is it a Christmas film or is it just set at Christmas?
Laura: It's both.
Laura: I'm a big fan of muppets.
Laura: Christmas Carol.
Laura: It's just got everything you need.
Ron: Really.
Ron: Sandra, you're going to keep talking?
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Well, I love lots of Christmas films, don't I?
Laura: Yes.
Laura: Home alone maybe.
Laura: Home alone two.
Laura: They're some of my top ones.
Laura: What about you, Ron?
Ron: I like elf.
Laura: Elf is great.
Ron: I like the Grinch.
Ron: I like.
Ron: I like diehard's.
Ron: Amazing.
Ron: Home alone's fine.
Ron: I haven't seen the second one.
Laura: Yeah, I like home alone too.
Ron: I like Christmas with a view.
Laura: Oh, that was good.
Ron: Anyway, we're only on the second f****** thing.
Laura: Yeah, we've been recording for 38 minutes.
Ron: Christ.
Ron: Elves.
Ron: They live in the North Pole.
Ron: They burn a lot of calories keeping warm probably.
Ron: Why?
Ron: Because it's cold.
Ron: To convert this sugar into fat.
Laura: Yeah, because they don't seem to wear a lot.
Ron: The next thing that they have to adapt to is cold conditions.
Laura: Thick skin, maybe tight skin.
Ron: The most important thing in the cold hat is surface area.
Laura: Head.
Ron: Stop just saying things is surface area.
Laura: That's why they're small.
Ron: It's more about the ratio.
Laura: They'll be tight skin.
Ron: No, stop.
Laura: You don't want baggy skin, don't want wrinkles.
Ron: No, it's more about extremities, which is why the ears.
Laura: Short arms.
Ron: Yes, they would have short arms, short legs, little malatey.
Ron: They'd be very round, not much of a neck.
Ron: The ears is a bit.
Ron: Throws them off.
Ron: Throws off the whole dynamic.
Laura: Maybe the ears is the only pointy thing on them.
Laura: So that's for getting out of the amniotic sack, because nothing else is pointy.
Laura: No.
Laura: Okay.
Laura: He doesn't like that idea.
Laura: I don't even know why I'm here at this point.
Ron: They might gather together in clumps like penguins.
Ron: Ultimately, though, I've not spent too long on the cold conditions.
Ron: Because we know that they can go inside.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: The only other.
Laura: They live underground.
Ron: Not real.
Ron: The only other thing that animals often do in cold conditions is hibernate.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: In the winter.
Ron: But we know, don't we?
Ron: Elves don't do that.
Ron: Can't do it, because they have to be building toys.
Ron: Which leads me on to the next thing that they need to be evolved for the ability to build toys.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Nimble fingers, dexterous.
Laura: Good eyesight.
Ron: Good eyesight.
Ron: So we're thinking big eyes, agile, vent hood, thin fingers.
Laura: Creepy.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Like bush babies.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: But strong, muscular, but also round and soft looking.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: They're round, loud, hard.
Ron: I think, like, I need some paper.
Ron: I'm thinking that they kind of have.
Ron: This is black.
Laura: All right, we'll just use a pale gel pen.
Laura: F****** h***.
Ron: So I'm thinking.
Ron: Oh, that works, doesn't it?
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: Here's our elf.
Laura: So he's got big, round head, a pointed dunce cap on, big eyes with enormous pupils.
Ron: All the better to see you with.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: And a big mouth for eating all of the sugar.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: God, pipe a lot of sugar in.
Ron: Now, as we know, they have to be round.
Laura: Yes.
Ron: So it's going to be kind of like this.
Ron: Long, dexterous fingers, but no arms.
Ron: Wait for it.
Laura: Oh, that is the arm.
Laura: No.
Laura: What is happening?
Laura: It's got no arms, Ron.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Wait for it.
Ron: I f****** said.
Laura: Has it got concertina arms?
Ron: Well, what I'm thinking is that this is kind of.
Laura: That one's got six fingers.
Ron: This is pointy.
Ron: Is.
Ron: Yeah, this is kind of just like a blubber suit that they could be in.
Ron: And then inside here, they could have these rippling muscles.
Laura: And the massive heart.
Laura: Don't forget the massive heart.
Ron: Christ, I forgot about a huge heart.
Ron: Yeah, that's the big heart.
Ron: But then there's big, rippling, muscly arms coming off the heart and then huge thighs for carrying gifts.
Ron: That's what I'm thinking.
Ron: All inside a blubber bag.
Laura: Okay.
Laura: I'll take a picture of this for the Instagram.
Ron: Let me finish it, because it might.
Laura: Will give you nightmares, though.
Laura: So please be careful before you check it.
Laura: Out.
Laura: Ron, that is nightmare fuel.
Ron: It's not finished.
Ron: That's what I'm thinking.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: Strong arms, nimble fingers in a blubber bag.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: Now, they've got a lot to do, so I considered many different ways.
Ron: Obviously they're working really fast because they're strung out on sugar all the time.
Ron: I thought maybe they don't sleep.
Laura: It doesn't feel like they're going to have a long life expectancy then.
Ron: God, no.
Ron: Live fast, die quickly.
Laura: When you're like a two, three year turnover on an elf.
Ron: Yeah, if that.
Laura: How long does a hummingbird live?
Ron: Not long.
Laura: A couple of days, give over.
Laura: Not flies.
Ron: Three to five years.
Ron: Hummingbird?
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: And they're not even making toys.
Laura: So I'm thinking two years on an elf.
Ron: F*** me.
Ron: A hummingbird can fly at 100 km an hour.
Laura: No, it can't.
Ron: The Anna's hummingbird can.
Laura: No, it can't.
Ron: Yes, it can.
Ron: Anyway, how long?
Laura: Like a second.
Ron: I don't know.
Ron: So thinking maybe.
Laura: How long do you think the childhood is on an elf, then?
Laura: A month.
Ron: Oh, no.
Ron: They need to be at toy making capabilities so quickly.
Ron: Like a couple of weeks, I think.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Santa, why did you breed these?
Ron: So I was thinking maybe they don't sleep.
Ron: Maybe they're working.
Laura: Do you think he's bred them to be like this?
Laura: Like the way we f***** up cows?
Laura: Or do you think they were just naturally like this and it evolved?
Ron: I have my theories about this.
Ron: We'll come on to that later.
Ron: The social dynamics.
Ron: I was thinking maybe they don't sleep so they can work around the clock.
Ron: But then I looked into it, because I know that dolphins don't sleep all the time.
Ron: They sleep like half their brain at once.
Ron: Do you know this?
Laura: What?
Ron: You didn't know this?
Laura: No.
Ron: Lots of marine mammals, seals, dolphins, and lots of birds, they will sleep half their brain at a time so that they never have to fully go to sleep.
Laura: That's wild.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So I was thinking maybe elves could do that.
Ron: And then maybe when they're just making the toys for they have such a.
Laura: Hard time on all those Internet games that are like, only left brain, people can do this.
Laura: They'd be like, I will wake up.
Laura: Wake up?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: I don't know what you're talking about, but it turns out that the dolphins and stuff, they can't really do anything while this is happening.
Ron: It's more just kind of like a state of being aware, but you're asleeping.
Laura: That just feels like you're asleep more then.
Ron: No, because they're aware, like, if a shark came, they'd know they never miss a parcel.
Ron: And, you know, elves these days, they're making quite complicated toys.
Ron: All the know.
Ron: They're programming Nintendo's and stuff and whatnot.
Ron: Pin art.
Ron: That takes a lot.
Ron: So I don't think they can sleep doing it.
Ron: That's called uni hemispheric sleep, by the way.
Ron: So I think there just has to be a lot of them so they'll have, like, their little babies.
Laura: Please don't draw a baby when the adult one is horrifying enough.
Laura: That looks like a duck.
Ron: Snails.
Ron: There you go.
Ron: So it's thinking.
Ron: It's a bit of a weird situation.
Laura: It's a very weird situation.
Laura: So how many are they breeding at a time, then?
Ron: Well, do you think you have to.
Laura: Do shifts of, like, breeding shifts and toy making shifts?
Laura: No, they have a separate pool of breeding elves.
Ron: Here's what I think.
Ron: There's two things there that also a part of this ecosystem.
Ron: They're bigger than the rest of them.
Ron: They don't have any of their own kids.
Ron: I think Santa and Mrs.
Ron: Claus are like the queen bee, Queen ant.
Laura: Santa's f****** all the elves.
Ron: No, it's not how ants work.
Ron: Santa f**** Mrs.
Ron: Claus and she lays loads of elf eggs.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: This is called eusociality.
Ron: They're essentially worker drones for the colony.
Laura: The hive, and they're all siblings.
Ron: Yeah, they're all siblings.
Laura: Mrs.
Laura: Claus as knackers.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Wow.
Ron: That's what I'm thinking.
Ron: Lots of animals do this.
Ron: Ants, termites, bees, wasps, hornets, naked mole rats.
Ron: They all have like, a queen that lays all of the eggs and then these ones.
Ron: That's why they're just happy to work round the clock.
Ron: They have no other hopes and desires.
Ron: They have no penises or other bits.
Laura: They don't fall in love.
Ron: They don't care about themselves.
Ron: They only care about the hive.
Laura: I love that.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
Ron: So then, like, Mrs.
Ron: Claus would be here.
Laura: She's raggedy.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: She's going to have a bob.
Ron: And there's the baby coming out.
Ron: She doesn't even care.
Ron: That's her 6th that day.
Ron: That's what I'm thinking.
Ron: Thoughts?
Laura: It's making me not want presents this year.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Usually, like, the male is small, so Santa's probably elf sized.
Laura: Oh, I hate the idea that it's just a massive Mrs.
Laura: Claus just springing out babies.
Laura: Oh, this is like something out of an R.
Laura: L.
Laura: Stein book.
Laura: There was one, I think, where they were at a camp and there was a big blobby demon in a basement at the camp.
Ron: Yes.
Ron: Santa.
Laura: Oh, Ron.
Ron: Yeah, that's how I think elves.
Laura: Gorry Christmas, everyone.
Laura: What a horrifying concept.
Laura: Netflix, if you're listening and you want the film rights to this bleak Christmas North Pole reality, just let us know.
Laura: We'll be willing.
Ron: I think there's something in that.
Ron: I think you could make a film about how elves are real.
Laura: Yeah, a colony of them.
Ron: We didn't talk about reindeers.
Ron: We did that last year.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Why would we talk about reindeer?
Ron: Because they have clearly symbiotic relationship with these reindeer.
Laura: Do they?
Ron: Yes.
Ron: They're flying around the world.
Laura: You're sitting really far away.
Ron: They're flying around the world.
Laura: Yeah, but we know how they.
Ron: Yeah, yeah, but how do the elves play into that?
Laura: But the elves don't go on the.
Ron: No, no, but if Mrs.
Ron: Claus is queen elf, then the species are interacting.
Ron: They have a symbiotic relationship.
Ron: Some ants farm aphid.
Laura: Symbiotic.
Laura: Always makes me think about yogurt.
Ron: You're thinking probiotic.
Laura: Lion king themed yogurts.
Laura: Symbiotic.
Ron: All right, it's time to end.
Laura: Merry Christmas, you filthy elf.
Laura: Malls Christmas.
Laura: Dismissed.
Ron: We're not doing any intros, outros.
Laura: No, this is a class.
Laura: We never do intros, outros.
Laura: On special episodes.
Laura: You didn't even drink any of your wine.
Laura: You were so excited about talking about Elf.
Ron: I was trying to talk over you the whole time.
Laura: Well, why didn't you just let me talk?
Ron: And then you were asking what honey was.
Ron: Class dismissed.
Laura: Merry Christmas.
Laura: Don't get.
