Valentines 2025: Athletes Puss and Trench Dick

 Valentines 2025: Athletes Puss and Trench Dick

Comedy Science podcast looks at sexually transmitted infections ahead of Valentine's Day

Laura: Hello and welcome to another episode of Lex Education. It's the Comedy Science podcast, where usually me m comedian Laura, uh, of the Lex variety tries to learn nearly a level science from her nerdy, normal younger brother, Ron. However, today it's our Valentine special. So what are we doing, Ron?

Ron: Talking about oozing pee pees and grimy m vaginas.

Laura: Yeah, we thought, hey, what do people do at Valentine's Day? They bang. Or they try to bang. They smush uglies. So what could be more scientific than looking at the science of all the things that can go wrong with banging, such as sexually transmitted infections? I swear they changed when I was young. They were STDs and then they became STIs.

Ron: Yeah, yeah, um, I think that happened when I was a teenager.

Laura: I think, Yeah, I feel like that happened. I don't know. Was I at school? I can't think I'd have known what they were before learning them at school. So I guess after school slightly you.

Ron: Didn'T get the gonorrhoea and AIDS talk from Mum, Um, and dad?

Laura: No, I did. I do remember being. I have like one of those weirdly specific memories of being in the front seat of the car, coming back down our road and there being something on the radio about STIs or something like that that I don't know, came up and Mum's saying, and that's why it's important that before you have sex with anybody, you, you have to get them checked out. And me thinking, gosh, that's amazing then that you can just like do that on the way home from the pub or whatever. Because I'd seen in enough TV shows that people like went home with each other from things and so it was like incredible. You can just drop into the hospital on the way home and get an STI cheque.

Ron: But also, I mean, uh, it's not bad advice. But also just, Just use condoms.

Laura: Yeah, yeah, she probably. She maybe she did say that too, but I haven't remembered that because my thought process disappeared off down.

Ron: I was at the pub with some friends last night, um, and they were talking about people. We know that. And there's like one or two guys that admit to just like never using condoms. And I thought that was fucking insane.

Laura: Like never ever.

Ron: Mhm.

Laura: Ew.

Ron: One of the people that we were talking about, the person that brought this to the group, claimed that he said he'd never used one.

Laura: Has he only ever been in like monogamous relationships then?

Ron: Yeah, I don't think he sleeps around, like a lot. But as far as I'm aware, he's never had like a long term partner either.

Laura: Wow. Maybe you can get like a points card at the local STI clinic. Like a Tesco Club card, a junk card. What would you call it?

Ron: M.

Laura: Don't know.

Ron: No.

Laura: Anyway, hope everybody out there is banging safely, but we thought we'd look at the, you know, it's a sciency thing. We thought we'd really kill the mood of your Valentine's Day. Now we're both back in relationships and therefore not having any sex.

Ron: I had to view some really grim images during my research for this.

Laura: So Ron has looked at actual science and, and the current medical advice on sexually transmitted issues. I have looked at the, uh, king of STIs, the history of STIs and, um, diseases and what people thought was going on before we knew about bacteria and stuff like that.

Ron: I can't stop looking at that image that I sent you from the World Health Organisation.

Laura: I mean, let's start with that because it's so weird. So Ron obviously started doing his research yesterday and sent me an image. So this is the World Health Organization's image about sexually transmitted diseases. And, um, there's. What are we guessing here? A mom and a dad on a beach with their teenage daughter.

Ron: I don't know, because they all look different ages.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Almost like maybe even three siblings.

Laura: Could be.

00:05:00

Laura: But they're stood in swimwear on a beach at, uh, magic hour. And the woman in the middle. The woman in the middle is holding a condom.

Ron: And the, like Frodo holds the one ring.

Laura: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The man is gently resting his hand on her hand that's holding the packet.

Ron: You might imagine he's just handed the condom to her. Huh.

Laura: Possibly.

Ron: Or is like waiting to sort of take it from her. It's that kind of a gesture.

Laura: Yeah. And the younger, maybe looking girl has her hand on the middle woman's shoulder and is smiling quite enthusiastically.

Ron: Bit of a cheeky, A cheeky grin.

Laura: Like, are, uh, these guys about to all go at it together on the beach?

Ron: Well, I just feel like that's the implication when there's three people staring at a condom like this. But why on the beach?

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: And the dude's definitely talking. He looks like he's explaining something potentially.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Yeah. And as you say, a real key detail is that it is magic hour.

Laura: Like, it's a nice shot, it's lovely, the light's incredible. Um, choices were made and I'd love to know.

Ron: Oh, there's credits.

Laura: Yeah, I just tried. I'm trying to click your screenshot.

Ron: Oh.

Laura: Nothing about the history of that photo.

Ron: No, it just kind of explains it, actually. It says members of a youth to youth group in Mombasa, Kenya, go for community outreach on the beach. They distribute condoms and perform skits with messages related to reproductive health.

I think caption needs to be more readily available on beachfront pages

Laura: Oh, okay, so.

Ron: So they're doing educational stuff to beachgoers.

Laura: I think, then. Right. This makes a lot more sense now, but I do think that caption needs to be more readily available.

Ron: Yeah, that's disappointing, actually. I wish I hadn't found that.

Laura: I'm glad I found it because otherwise it's such a weird decision on a page that, let's face it, nobody really wants to be visiting.

Ron: No, it's an odd moment of levity on a very, A very, uh, dry page.

Laura: Yeah, yeah, choices, um, were made. Um, okay.

There's a record of King Minos of Crete using a condom

So speaking of condoms though, Ron, do you want to hear, um, an early use of a condom?

Ron: Yes. Not of yours. No, just in history.

Laura: Don't be stupid. I'm a full grown adult. Um, uh, so my first bit of, um, information, um, until I give another, um. Well, I've got no words today until I give another credit. Uh, this is where all this information is coming from. This, um, is the UKHSA Blog. Gov. Gov. Blog. Sti the centuries. So King Minos of Crete, there's a record of him having used a goat's bladder as a condom.

Ron: Ugh.

Laura: Yeah. Fucking big penis. Wide and round.

Ron: Bulbous.

Laura: Yeah. I'm assuming stitched. Would you stitch it?

Ron: I wonder what did they know? Did they know that diseases were spread or did they. Was he trying to stop Bebes?

Laura: I can tell you this, Ron, it was not to do with not getting it pregnant. Um, he might.

Ron: Oh, is it because everything gets turned to gold and he still wanted to fuck someone?

Laura: No, that's Midas, not Minos. Oh, uh, yeah. Um, no, because that would be a.

Ron: Really funny detail at that story.

Laura: But then it would just be a gold goat's bladder.

Ron: Yes, that's true. And m, it might not be able to get it off.

Laura: Ow. Yeah. Cuz once the spunk came out, would that turn to gold and fuse it to you like glue?

Ron: I think you've got to assume that King Midas spunk is enough him that that wouldn't turn to gold. Yeah, but then it. That. But then that begs the question, does things that he spaffs on turn to gold?

Laura: Mmm, M. Yeah, like, you know, um, that bit in Guardians of the Galaxy where he turns the black light on and it's disgusting. Oh, no, it's a joke. He says it, doesn't he. He says, uh, put a black light on it. Looks like a Jackson Pollock. You just know Midas's, like, bedroom, which corner he was wanking in because it was all gold.

Ron: Looks like a bougie back. Jackson Pollock.

Laura: Yeah. Without that, he may. Well. This King Minos, though, he may

00:10:00

Laura: well have had, um, uh, some kind of sti. Because he used the goat's bladder. Because the king's semen was said to contain scorpions and serpents that killed his mistresses.

Ron: Oh. Um. I guess he had crabs.

Laura: Could have been. Or it could have been. I don't know, because it doesn't mention his wife or anything. But I guess if people are dying after having sex with him, it's not great.

Ron: No. Having such aggressive crabs that people are dying, that's a real state of affairs.

Laura: Yeah. Is it clear that I sort of give him props that he did use a condom rather than just thinking mistresses were disposable?

Ron: Yeah.

Laura: I mean, like, that seems good for an old king.

Ron: Woke for the Irish, certainly. You've just. Yeah. I mean, some of these old patriarchs, like, back in day, they must have been riddled. Right?

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Well, like you think about Genghis Khan, famously m. You know, like, horrendously huge hareem. He must have. He must have been walking around with some real knockout STDs.

Laura: Yeah, well, it comes up later and, um, I'll find it when we get to that bit.

I think syphilis was brought back from the New World

But I did find something in this research that, um. I think it was syphilis or something like that potentially was not in Europe until we went to the Americas. Um, so it was a disease that got brought back. So prior to that, things like that didn't exist. I mean, obviously other ones would have. But I guess maybe there is potential that if you're. I suppose this doesn't apply to Genghis Khan so much, but if you are just shagging within a small pool, you've already built up the immunity to those diseases. And it's only when you're, like, spreading your net widely that you come across deadly ones.

Ron: Deadly ones. Yeah. I think. I think that is right. I think syphilis was brought back, um, from the New World. Um. Yeah. But, yeah, it was the sort of the trade for all of the diseases that we brought over there.

Laura: Yeah. I've got some more ancient things, if you like, so hit me. There's, um, Professor Franjo Gruber, um, who.

Ron: Wrote a history Don't Skate over the name Franjo Gruber.

Laura: Good. Guess where Franjo Gruber is from.

Ron: The Nakatomi Plaza.

Laura: Um, no, Croatian Franjo. I don't know how you'd pronounce it. Wrote a history of venereal diseases from antiquity to the Renaissance.

Ron: And Frango, I think, is the Portuguese word for chicken.

Laura: Could be Franco. Maybe it's pronounced. Maybe the J is a K. No, no, no.

Ron: But when Judith and I were in Portugal over the summer, she didn't eat anything called frango because she thought it meant shrimp. And then we found out on the last day that it meant chicken. And she could have had any of them.

Laura: She's such a terrible vegetarian.

Ron: She's not a vegetarian.

Laura: She so was when we first met her. You ruined it.

Ron: No, Brussels ruined it.

Laura: Yeah, Brussels sucks.

Ron: Yeah.

Laura: Anyway, Franjo, um, Frangio, um, explained that on the Ebers papyrus, which must be some sort of famous Egyptian papyrus, that they found. Papyrus. How do you say it?

Ron: Yeah, we've run into this before.

Laura: It's papyrus.

Ron: It's not papyrus.

Laura: Papyrus mentions, um, using sandal oil to soothe a urethral infection that might have been an std.

Ron: Now, does that mean, like, sandalwood, like the tree? No, I think it means oil from a sand.

Laura: Yeah. I think it's juice from your shoe. Once you've been bogging about in the Nile for a good few days, they. They leech that out and then they jam it onto bits.

Ron: Recipe for athlete's puss. That's horrible.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, none of these are good. So, uh, Judit. Fori. Judit, probably pronounced, uh, foray. Explains that Egyptians treated discharges from genitals with a variety of salves and ointments made with herbs, garlic, and perhaps a little tinge of powdered cow horn.

Ron: Sounds delicious.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Um, you can really connect the dots there on these sort of, you know, ancient medicine thing. Cow horn, erect penis.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: This will treat that. That makes sense.

Laura: Yeah.

00:15:00

Laura: Yeah. Because I suppose cow horn. Is it just keratin? What is horn?

Ron: I think so. It depends. Different creatures. It's different. Some it's more bone than others. Some it is keratin, and obviously some.

Laura: It'S ivory, isn't it?

Ron: Yeah.

Laura: Then we move on. Ah. And, uh, we're talking about the Hippocratic corpus, which I suppose is an early medical document. Um, and that describes what could have been acute gonorrhoea. And they call it strangury. And they thought at the time it was caused by indulgences in the pleasures of Venus.

Ron: Makes sense.

Laura: Yeah. So they're starting to link these diseases with sex, which is where the term venereal disease comes from. Venus. Yeah. That's fun, isn't it?

People thought sex with a virgin would clear you of STDs

Ron: Um, do you think that avoiding STDs is a part of the root of the sort of, um, like, uh, male obsession with, like, virginity?

Laura: Yes, because this will come up somewhere as well. Um, there was a horrible period of time where people thought sex with a virgin would clear you of STDs.

Ron: Oh, no.

Laura: Yeah, yikes. Horrible pureness and all that sort of stuff. Um, in fact, there's a really horrible patriarchal bit at the end, um, which is very miserable to read, but we'll do it when we get there. Gonorrhoea seems pretty ancient in the Western world, um, so there's definitely Greek doctors talking about it and naming it before 200 Common Era. Um. Uh, gonorrhoea is referred to as an unwanted. Excuse me, discharge of semen. Sure, yeah. So then we start to look at some cures. So we've got Solanus of Ephesus, and he took the very macho alpha male view that anybody that had an sti, um, was weak and, um, you needed to sort your life out, bro, otherwise you were just a pathetic beta male. So he thought that, um, gonorrhoea was caused by an excess of semen or fluids, and the best way to cure yourself of that was to strap lead weights to your body to help your recovery. So the answer there is got gonorrhoea gets wholly.

Ron: Yeah, just weigh yourself down. Like that Russian. Um, I think he was like a gymnast trainer that used to strap weights to his daughters while they were growing.

Laura: Ew. What, to keep them tiny?

Ron: No, no, to strengthen them. Like, when they were babies crawling around, he'd put, like, little weights on their hands and knees, so when they were crawling, they had to develop more muscle.

Laura: Oh, wow. Did they become good gymnasts?

Ron: I assume so.

Laura: Um, herpes dates back to ancient Greece, too. Uh, and herpes is a Greek name, like Hermes. Uh, I suppose maybe we're supposed to call it her pairs.

Ron: Oh, yeah.

Laura: Let's start being really bougie in calling herpes her pairs. Um, so, uh, there's a Roman medical author called Aulus Cornelius Calcus, and he wrote a big medical treatise in the first century Common era. And, um, he thought if you had herpes, uh, you just cauterise all the sores with a hot iron.

Ron: Oof.

Laura: Yeah. Horrible. Oh, and here was a fact I quite enjoyed. Ron. So gonorrhoea, um, has been known as the clap. For almost 700 years, I thought chlamydia was the clap. I don't think they knew the difference particularly.

Ron: Sure.

Laura: But yeah, basically those. The clap. And it probably the etymology of the clap refers to the old Le Clapier district of Paris, which is where prostitutes were housed. So it's like a nickname M based on that, which I did not know.

Ron: They're clever, aren't they?

Laura: Yeah, you're right.

Ron: The clap is gunneria. I always thought it was chlamydia.

Laura: I do think though that for a lot of history, people did not know which one they had.

Ron: Yeah, sure. But Google's saying gonorrhoea, whereas I thought in today's parlance it meant maybe it's shifted today. Maybe. But no, Google is saying it's gonorrhoea.

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

We're going to go back to the Islamic golden age

Um, okay, so then we're going to jump a little bit, uh, both geographically,

00:20:00

geographically, geographically and chronologically. Um, because we're going to do that thing that science has taught me so often happens. Stop reading about gonorrhoea on.

Ron: I'm not.

Laura: I can see your face.

Ron: I was reading about pubic lice.

Laura: Pubic lice. Um, we're gonna go to the Islamic golden age.

Ron: So you have to imagine they always do it first.

Laura: Yeah. Mediaeval Europe is running around with goats bladders on their bricks, clapping and, and just quarterizing their dicks off every time something goes wrong. Whereas in China and the sort of. I think we're talking Iran and, And what was Persia?

Ron: Mesopotamia.

Laura: Yeah, that sort of area. They've got the cures for all this. Damn, Pat. They've got an NHS with no waiting list. They've. They've cured it all. So, um, yes, we've got the doctor and director of Hospitals of what would become Baghdad. There's a director of hospitals, Ron, that's.

Ron: Not a job that you think of like being like 500 years ago.

Laura: No, but this is the 8th century. So how long ago? Fuck, 1200 years ago.

Ron: This shouldn't be directors of anything sitting.

Laura: In his corner office, just fixing up wards.

Ron: His playing Angry Birds on his tablet? Probably.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, he's not got it all down here.

Ron: No, he's still playing Angry Birds. You know, he's not playing PlayStation 5.

Laura: He describes genital ulcers and what's thought to be gonorrhoea. Um, they think that the treatment should be the introduction of goats or breast milk to the infection.

Ron: I mean, like, I don't think that would do the job. But isn't it true that, um, milk can have some properties like that to, like. It helps boost your baby's immune system or something.

Laura: Certainly does. Which is the really early breast milk, before your milk comes through that, like, gummy bit, I think. Um, so they didn't know it all at this point, but they definitely had a lot of records that really helped future doctors understand what was going on. They were very good record keepers. Um, at this point in time, um, there's a Persian doctor called Ali, Ali Abbas, or Ali Abbas, um, who diagnosed sort of a lot of infections and burning sensations and sort of kept good enough records that future doctors went on to understand.

Ron: I just want wherever you live to be somewhere that makes you happy

Um, meanwhile, so let's look at Europe in the same era. Um, this is when they're starting to link STIs to sex. And, yeah, they're really starting to blame women for it all happening.

Ron: Makes, uh, sense to me.

Laura: Yeah. Uh, I suppose. Hence it being Venus, because she's the goddess of love, isn't she? So they didn't blame the male one.

Ron: No, Mars did nothing wrong.

Laura: No. Um, Roger of Salerno, writing in the 1200s in Italy, he produced a practical surgery guide for, um.

Ron: I Wish I was Ron of Bristol. That's a much cooler way to go.

Laura: Oh, we can call you that. You can be Ron of Bristol from now on.

Ron: I like that.

Laura: But you have to stay in Bristol.

Ron: Stop trying to control me.

Laura: I just don't want you to move back to stupid Brussels.

Ron: God, you live far away.

Laura: Yeah, I don't live in Brussels. You can move far away, but just not to boring, shitty Brussels.

Ron: It's not that, uh, different to getting from Brighton to Brussels.

Laura: I'm not talking about where it is, Ron. I'm talking about how it is.

Ron: Yeah.

Laura: I have no problem with you living far away from me. I just want wherever you live to be somewhere that makes you happy, and that is not Brussels.

Roger of Salerno says penis is a leech that sucks blood

Anyway, Roger of Salerno, he, um, talks about Salerno. He talks about sexual diseases, uh, and he thinks you should either have leeches stuck on your dick, um, or be bled. Bleeding and leeches is a big deal at this time.

Ron: Yeah, of course.

Laura: Um, it's truly.

Ron: I mean, your penis kind of is just a permanent leech that it sucks blood from the rest of you. So putting another leech on that, that seems like they're just gonna pass blood between it. So learn. It's beautiful.

Laura: I wish you hadn't just referred to a penis as a kind of leech.

Ron: Well, you know what I mean, because.

Laura: No, because I don't want to think about that.

Ron: Because it. Because it's Blood that makes it swell. Yeah, yeah. Look at Salerno.

Laura: It's a black pudding, really, isn't it? Sex black pudding.

Ron: It's a blood sausage.

Laura: Um, where have you sent me Salerno?

Ron: No, it won't let me copy. Do you remember how easy it used to be to

00:25:00

Ron: get images from Google? And now it's fucking impossible.

Laura: I'm, uh, not getting beautiful Roger of Salerno. I'm getting drawn images of him cutting up a guy on a.

Ron: No, I didn't say Roger from Salerno's beautiful. I said Salerno is beautiful.

Laura: I thought it was gonna be. Oh, yeah, move to Salerno.

Ron: Salerno looks amazing.

Laura: Oh, God. Imagine living there and focusing on scummy dicks. You're crazy, Roger.

Ron: Imagine how scummy his dick must have been if that was the number one thing on his mind.

Laura: Oh, Rog. Um, uh, and this is. We're learning about this through Professor Gruber's book, by the way. So he delicately refers to another person as urethral irrigation. This would have potentially involved an unsterilized instrument going into the urethra without any pain relief.

Ron: Some people love it.

Laura: Not this girl.

Ron: Um, it's called sounding.

Laura: Is it?

Ron: Yeah. Um, don't Google it.

Laura: I will not. I don't want to change my algorithms because I've always allowed all cookies, and I don't need those cookies knowing about this.

1800s is when people start to understand metal classific

Um, so this is where we hit the pretty gross idea that, um, you can get rid of any of your disgusting issues by having sex with a virgin because their chastity made them resistant. Um, and then that. That obviously becomes, like, child abuse rings and horrible prostitution things. And then obviously, once the world opens up via good boats, we make it racist. Um, so you could then substitute virgin for a different ethnicity. And you're suddenly excusing yourself for raping people that you've just stolen from elsewhere in the world that there's a little bit of repercussion for men doing all this disgusting stuff with virgins and African women. Um, there was. Should we call it a rumour, started by potentially the smartest female doctor prostitute you've ever met. There was a rumour that because gonorrhoea is, um, pus in your genitals, there was a theory that the best way you had to get this pus out and the best way to do that was to smack yourself in the dick with a book.

Ron: The book's a nice touch.

Laura: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I really like the idea that, um, some madam of a brothel has started this, like. No, we haven't got any virgins today. But you know what does work? Get your bible, just chunk your nuts.

Ron: Down, go hammer and tong at your own business.

Laura: Yeah, if blood comes out too, that's fine. That's really good. Do it until you hear a popping noise. Um, the 1800s is where things sort of start to get a bit medical. Huge. Ah, question mark. Mercury starts to appear. So people are really looking for answers and I think metals are getting interested. Interesting. Um, not interested. You don't just see little nugs queuing up at doors like use me. Um, they, uh, silver and gold. Um, an arsenic and antimony. Antimony, yeah. Uh, I don't know what that is though. You got.

Ron: That's just a metal. I was gonna say it sounds like the sort of thing that they'd have uh, given mercury a run at.

Laura: Yeah, definitely. Mercury is the big one. Mercury's the big boy for a while. It's the sertraline of the sexually transmitted 1800s. Um, I guess though, does this tie up. Is this when people are really starting to understand metal classific. 1800s.

Ron: In the 1800s. Yeah.

Laura: So the big metals, they're really starting to learn. They've always known the difference between gold and silver etc etc and the ones being used in everyday life. But I guess now you're understanding more and more metals.

Ron: Um, yeah, 1800s is when Mendeleev, um, started putting together the periodic table and stuff.

Laura: Yeah. Okay. Um. Silver nitrate, which apparently is toxic. Um, yeah, fumigation. I don't know if they'd fumigate you. Yeah.

Ron: Try and smoke it out.

Laura: Yeah. For syphilis. Um, Indonesian peppers. Uh, I don't think they did anything. Um, I guess this is a time when humours are big, aren't they? So the more you're sweating and puking and shitting and bleeding, the more they.

Ron: No, this is coming out of the humours. The humours time. I think humours would have been you know like the leeches and the get the liquids out. That. That's humor's time.

Laura: Yeah. Okay. Um,

00:30:00

Laura: so then we're getting into germ theory. Sort of this point where people are starting to understand microorganisms. I'll leave this because obviously you're going to do this in.

Chinese and early Islamic culture were using mercury for syphilis from early BC

In more detail on our running theme of Is there nothing that um, the Chinese and early Islamic culture can't do? They were using mercury for syphilis from. It's referenced as early as 2,637 BC.

Ron: Where were people getting all this fucking mercury from? To just be Pissing away, trying to cure literally anything with it.

Laura: I don't know. Where does Merc. Where do you find mercury in the ground?

Ron: I guess I've never. Certainly. I've never seen any. No.

Laura: Uh, it's never just been a puddle of mercury on the floor. But they would apply it to the skin as an ointment or swallow it as pills, or drink it as an.

Ron: I think we've said this before on the podcast and agreed, but I get it. Like, I think if I didn't know what mercury was and I saw some, I'd be fascinated by it and think it was amazing.

Laura: So, yeah, basically you'd catch the disease and you'd just be being treated forever or you'd die of the cures. Um, and there was a very popular, witty phrase Ron called one night with Venus, a lifetime with mercury. Um, so, yeah, you'd basically often die. I didn't know this, though, that, um. Is it syphilis? I think. I think it's syphilis where you. You get the first bout of symptoms and then it kind of dies down for a while. Which is why these cures, even though they didn't work, remained in circulation for so long. Was that you had this, like, false reprieve moment before it would come back. Um, I think that. That.

Ron: Well, we'll learn about how syphilis progresses in a bit.

Laura: Yeah. Okay.

Contagious disease act of 1864 aimed at controlling STIs in military

So then, just to move on then. This bit was so depressing. They brought in a Contagious disease act of 1864, because basically, STIs are a huge problem in the military. Oh, I'm sure I. I imagine they still are now. They were back then. Um, so they wanted to control the way soldiers and sailors. Are you clipping your nails?

Ron: No.

Laura: What are you doing?

Ron: Trying to get the screen off my phone. Putting you down.

Laura: Don't take the screen off your phone, Ron. That's a really bad idea.

Ron: No, the screen protector.

Laura: Why take that off?

Ron: Because it's broken.

Laura: Okay. Um, so they brought in this act, but the act only applied to women.

Ron: Women in the military?

Laura: No, the women that the military was sleeping with. I don't think women were in the military in 1864.

Ron: Yeah, that's right.

Laura: You could, uh, register, arrest, and give invasive medical examination of any woman suspected of being a prostitute. And if you were found to have a venereal disease, you could be locked up in a medical institution. And if you refused to be exam, you'd take six months hard labour in prison. And there was no compliance by men required in this act. So they wanted men to stop fucking about, so they absolutely punished women.

Ron: Again. It makes perfect sense to me.

Laura: Yeah. Um, and then, yeah, basically from there we get into probably what you're going to talk about.

During the First World War 5% of British troops were infected with STIs

But I did find it fascinating. I was sort of getting a bit late now and into the stuff that you're probably going to discuss. But how fascinating is this? During the First World War, 5% of British troops were infected with an STI. That is, uh, 400,000 British men were admitted to hospital as a result. That is over five times the hospitalisation rate for trench foot. Trench dick. And, um, by the middle of the war, 50% of infertility in women was caused by gonorrhoea. And 30% of children in blind schools were there as a result of syphilis.

Ron: Wow.

Laura: So that's why STIs are so important to be controlled. Because if you live in a time where you're letting them run, um, rampant, that's like banging infertility. So you think like, you know, in books and stuff, there seems to be a lot of infertility and things like that. Well, if you think of that rampant gonorrhoea floating about, there must have been hella infertility back in the day because of this.

Ron: Yeah, yeah. Especially if the troops were banging each other as well. That's just going to pass it all around.

Laura: Yeah. So there you go, Ron. There's. There's the unscientific guide to STIs.

Ron: I got a couple of stats for you.

Laura: I love a stat, Ron.

Ron: Yeah,

00:35:00

Ron: there's over 30 different bacteria, viruses and parasites that cause STIs. Loads of different ones. Although there's like eight biggies that, um, are the ones that affect the world the most. Basically, you want to try and name as many as possible.

Laura: Um, and this is just bacterial, so we're not talking.

Ron: No, no, no.

Laura: Okay, so hiv.

Ron: Yep.

Laura: Um, gonorrhoea.

Ron: Yep.

Laura: Syphilis?

Ron: Yep.

Laura: Chlamydia?

Ron: Yep.

Laura: Herpes?

Ron: Yep.

Laura: Um, genital warts.

Ron: Is that the same as one of the big eight?

Laura: No, not one of the big eight. Okay. Um.

Ron: When you get a jab for. If you're a, ah, woman. When you're, Oh, a teenager. Yeah.

Laura: Ah, what's the, um. Not upv. Hpv.

Ron: Yep.

Laura: Yes.

Ron: Human papillo.

Laura: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It came up in one of my exams, didn't it?

Ron: I think so, yeah.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Um, because it was all about whether we should tell girls about it, whether.

Laura: Their parents would let them have a jab.

Ron: Yeah.

Laura: Um, I'm a Bit stuck now.

Ron: Yeah, so hep B, Yeah.

Laura: Oh, hepatitis, of course, yeah, yeah.

Ron: Um, and then, um, the other one. So, um, uh, I'll reveal as we go through this bit.

In 2020, the World Health Organisation estimated that 374 million new infections worldwide

So in. In 2020, the World Health Organisation estimated that 374 million new infections worldwide.

Laura: Whoa.

Ron: Yeah.

Laura: This, um.

Ron: Uh, yeah, um, uh, so, um, yeah, so you got 129chlamydia infections. We'll talk more about chlamydia in a bit. 82 million gonorrhoea infections, syphilis, 7.1 million. And then the last one of the big eight, 156 million infections of it, uh, trichomoniasis.

Laura: Oh, don't know that one.

Ron: No, me neither. Never heard of it at all. And then I googled it because I was like, is this just. Is this like the word for something else? You know, like the fancy word for something more common? Parlours couldn't find anything.

Laura: Um, can I potentially inject something that is, uh, mercury? No, that is. Could be just false. But I did. I do remember hearing a thing that some of this, like, pop up in, um, in. In STI infections was caused by the fact that we now live in a time where a lot more people post menopause are shagging and divorced and single and not necessarily using, um, contraceptive because there's no risk of pregnancy. And therefore that was causing, like, quite high, um, STI numbers in retirees and older people. Now, that could be bollocks and something I heard that I'm passing on completely willy nilly, but I vaguely.

Ron: No, I think. I think you. I think you're dead on. Um, I think there's an episode of Scrubs about that.

Laura: Oh, maybe that's where I got it from. Well, if Scrubs says it, then it must be true.

Ron: So, um, Hang on. Um. Obviously, um. Like, we think of these things all as, like, inherently involving sex and we call them like, sexually transmitted infections or whatever, but they, obviously they. They're just transmitted via contact. You know, like, none of these, like, shoot out in the spaff or something, if you know what I mean. Like, they, um. Or at least, yeah, as far as I'm aware, none of them do that. It's all just about the contact, so.

Laura: But it's not in your, like, spit and stuff.

Ron: Um, well, um, like, some of them will be, um, everywhere because it's just like, bacteria. Some of them, like, are, um, given between people during sex because, like, uh, the penis or whatever happens to be where the lesion forms and the bacteria live in the lesion.

Laura: Right.

Ron: Okay, so then if you have sex, that. You'll pass that on there. Um, but then, you know, you were talking about, um, blind kids, um, because of syphilis. Yeah, obviously, um, those kids got syphilis from somewhere. And that's because you can pass it from, like, mother to child and stuff like that. So, um, yeah, there's different ways to get it.

00:40:00

Ron: Not all of them, um, are banging. Um, that just happens to be. I think when people get very, very close to each other. Therefore, um, it's easy to pass an infection, um, between people. And obviously you've got stuff like, um. Uh, you've got stuff like hiv, which obviously, you know, sharing needles or something. Yeah, is. Is a way to. To pass that m. Between people. Um, and. Yeah, and things like, um, hepatitis, um, you know. Yeah, you can. You can get that in. In many different ways. Um, the other thing that it mentioned on the World Health Organisation that, um, I found interesting is that there's. There's these ones that we consider sort of the classic, um, uh, STIs and stuff. But actually, like, often when there's, um, like new outbreaks of things, they can be transmitted by sex as well. So, like, um, Mpox, Ebola, Zika virus. All of these things, um, can be passed, uh, between each other while having sex.

Laura: Yeah, well, that makes sense because, like, you know, if you think of COVID If you can pass that on just by standing, having m. A chat, you're gonna pass it on, Shaggin, aren't you?

Ron: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Syphilis has loads of different symptoms and it happens in four stages

So, um, I haven't, um, gone into all of the different ones because that would be long. There's loads. Um, so what I did was I found. I read a bunch about them, um, and then found the two that I thought were most interesting.

Laura: Okay.

Ron: Um, so one, um. Syphilis.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Um. Syphilis.

Laura: It's just a horrible word, isn't it? Syphilis.

Ron: Syphilis.

Laura: It's very severe. Snape Salazar Slytherin. Syphilis, um, good name for a snake, wouldn't it? Syphilis.

Ron: Apart from. I think that people would think that was weird.

Laura: Yeah. But I think you own a snake. You're already weird.

Ron: Snakes are very penile.

Laura: Yeah, but maybe if you had an attack snake, it's just an extra scariness, you know, like if you have a big dog called Bruiser and, uh, then you've got a big snake called Syphilis.

Ron: A big dog called the Clamp. Yeah. Syphilis is, um. So William Osler, who I realise I haven't actually Googled who that is, um, referred to syphilis as the great imitator because it has loads and loads and loads of different symptoms.

Laura: And he does banging Robert De Niro impression, your dick's in your pants, being like Robin Williams at the beginning of Mrs. Doubtfire.

Ron: Um, and it happens in four stages as well. So you kind of have to know the different stages of it to know, like all of the different.

Laura: Anger, denial, grief, a lot of grief.

Ron: Um, there's gonna be a picture that I'll send you at some point that's going to. Don't worry, it's not of a knob.

Laura: Oh. Do you know what you've made me think of as a teenager? This. The, um, when the Internet only had like five pages and one of them was blue waffle.

Ron: Oh, uh, God. Yeah. I've never seen blue waffle.

Laura: Don't do it, Ron. Protect your innocence.

Ron: Blue waffle. Lemon party meat. Spin. The Internet used to be wild.

Laura: Get tested for syphilis if you don't know symptoms

Um, so, um, you have primary syphilis, Laura.

Laura: That's, ah, key stages one to three.

Ron: It sounds like in history. It was. According to what you said then, um, this happens two to six weeks after you pick it up. Um, and I've got to say, with all of these things, there is a fairly strong chance that you get no symptoms at all. Fucked. Um, but, um, yeah, two to six weeks. And then you get a skin lesion called a chancre. Um, appears, uh, basically on your genitals. And that's full of the infectious, um, bacteria.

Laura: Right.

Ron: That's stage one. Get it treated then, because it's only downhill from here.

Laura: Okay. If you don't know symptoms, are you still ill or are you just resistant? Like, is it only the symptoms that are bad? Do you know what I mean?

Ron: I think you can still pass it on.

Laura: Sure. Okay. Okay.

Ron: So get rid.

Laura: How, uh, would you know you had it?

Ron: Well, yeah. Get tested.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Um, because that's literally Jez from Peep Show Logic. He, he gets chlamydia and then because it's symptomless, he doesn't tell anyone.

Laura: Yes,

00:45:00

Laura: terrible.

Ron: Um, then four to ten weeks after the primary infection, you can get secondary syphilis. Now this is where it really starts to just be insane. What, um, uh, you can get. But it really affects your skin, it can affect your mucous membranes, which, like, affects, uh, um, transport of different things in the body. Your lymph nodes. Um, a symmetrical reddish pink, non itchy rash on the trunk and extremities, including the palms and soles. Um, the rash may become pustular. Um, Wart like lesions.

Laura: This is horrible.

Ron: Yeah, all. And all of these become infectious.

Laura: Oh, no.

Ron: Yeah. Um, and then also fever, sore throat, malaise, weight loss, hair loss and headache.

Laura: Of course you've got malaise. Of course. You look like you've been on a cheese grater and you can't touch anyone without killing them.

Ron: Yeah. Ah. And it's been 10 weeks since you had a shag, so you really want to as well. Um, uh, but also liver inflammation, kidney disease, joint inflammation, periostitis, inflammation of the optic nerve, uvetis and interstitial keratitis.

Laura: Well, of all the things I don't want, it's uveitis.

Ron: Yeah. Should we find out what that is?

Laura: No. Uvula. Is that. Is that gonna be.

Ron: No, it's the inflammation of the uvula, the pigmented layer of the eye between the inner retina and the outer fibrous layer composed of the sclera and the cornea.

Laura: So this is why people are going blind then.

Ron: Yeah. Um, and were you ever into house?

Laura: No. But you and sisters of the podcast were in a big. Yeah.

Ron: And Mum. Um, we. Yeah, it's. Syphilis is one of those things that comes up quite a lot in house because of this. It can. Like the Great imitator. Uh, yeah. Right, then, Laura, get this. Tertiary syphilis.

Laura: Oh, uh, tertiary means end phase. I know that from science.

Ron: It means third. Oh.

Laura: Uh.

Ron: Tertiary syphilis. Three to 15 years after the initial event.

Laura: Okay. So if you can cope with being like a walking bed sore for three to 15 years, you've got some life expectancy.

Ron: Yes.

Laura: However, with your oozing eyes and your massive liver.

Ron: Well, so there's. There's, um. At this point, it splits into three different types. You have late neurosyphilis. Oh, God, yeah. Which, um, this is the one that would come up in, um, uh, in house a lot. And again, it was slightly too many, um, too many different symptoms and what not to go through. But it's called neurosyphilis. It's not good.

Laura: No.

You also have congenital syphilis which can affect multiple organ systems

Ron: Uh, that. That can. That can kill you. And it can kill you. It can kill you a lot. M. Uh, the brain, the spinal cord. Um, yeah. Several different organ systems. Terrible, bad times. Um, then you can also get cardiovascular syphilis, so that's affecting your fucking heart.

Laura: Also bad. Need that too.

Ron: Still not the worst one, because then you've got. Well, I mean, actually the worst. This is, um. I'm being slightly facetious here because you also have gummatoos. Syphilis.

Laura: What's My gummatoos. Didn't even know I had one. And now it's got syphilis.

Ron: I'm gonna send you a picture now. No. And you're gonna be like, don't worry, it's not of a knob. Um, and you're gonna be like, yeah, okay. That is kind of gummatoose. I'm sending it on WhatsApp. It won't let me send pics on the Google Meet.

Laura: All right, I'm going to the WhatsApp web. I'm waiting for. Oh, wow. Okay, so gummatus makes it look like you were made in the wetter workshop. That looks like sort of growths under your skin. Is it growing in cartilage or something?

Ron: It's characterised by the formation of conic gummers which are soft tumour, like balls of inflammation which may vary considerably in size. They typically affect the skin, bone and liver, but can occur anywhere.

Laura: Oh wow. Yeah, yeah. I mean you don't want that. And your brain under siege and your heart stopping.

Ron: No. Sexy garmentary's. Uh, um, syphilis makes you look in this specific case like, kind of like something from spore.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Um,

00:50:00

Ron: which makes sense. Yeah. And then you also have congenital syphilis. That's the type that's transmitted during pregnancy or birth. Um, mostly no symptoms, but can get anything from just the rash to neurosyphilis and lung inflammation. So it's all bad. Don't give people syphilis.

Laura: Yes. Okay, Ron, I won't.

Chlamydia can cause infertility, so how do you test for it

Ron: Um, and then the last one, um, that I wanted to. The other one I wanted to talk about was um, chlamydia. Um, and this one's much shorter because it, it's, you know, it's mostly symptomless. It can cause, um. Uh.

Laura: Does it cause infertility? Chlamydia.

Ron: Infertility was the word I was looking for. I kept on going.

Laura: Barrenness, dusty womb.

Ron: Yeah. So bad, however, why, um, so uh, you get something uh, called don't have it in my notes. Um, but basically long term chlamydia where it's just symptomless, basically forever. Um, because chlamydia is amazing at doing what it does. It's one of the most phenomenal, um, uh, infectious diseases ever. Um, because like the ideal, um. I wrote an essay on this at ah, university. Um, the ideal pathogen is one that's highly infectious but never kills the thing that it lives.

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: So it can just keep on living there and never triggers any kind of immune response. Um, so I was, um. So I hypothesised that. That is chlamydia. Um, because what chlamydia does when it gets inside you is so m. You remember the membrane of the cell?

Laura: Yeah.

Ron: Um, on the membrane, um, ah, you have, like, different markers and stuff, so that, uh, like, you trigger an immune response if, um, something's not from your body, basically. Um, and obviously, if a bacteria goes in, uh, your body can be like, holy shit, there's a bacteria. But it's super, super sensitive, right down to if you get, like, a heart transplant or something, your body knows that's not your heart. Um, and that's why you have to take immunosuppressants if you have organ transplants and stuff. So it's a hugely, hugely, um, sensitive system. Um, what chlamydia does is it essentially wraps itself in a little jacket of your cell membrane so that when it, like, touches anything to your body that's just your cell, it's, like, almost completely sort of invisible to everything because it lives within, um, kind of a vesicle within your cells.

Laura: Wow. Um, so how do they test for that, then? That must be a very advanced test to find it.

Ron: That's a good question. I don't know. Um, yeah. Um, it can only. And it. That's. That's the only place it can survive. Like, it doesn't live, um, outside of there.

Laura: Um, so if it's not in a body, it's dead.

Ron: Yeah. Um, how do you test for chlamydia? Urine or secretions from your bits? I'm not seeing how the test works. Yeah, I guess you must just piss out some of it. Yeah. Um, but, yeah, super, super interesting. Yeah.

Laura: Yeah, that's fascinating. I almost want to do a deeper dive on chlamydia.

Ron: I looked for the essay that I wrote, but I couldn't find it. Must have been on my old laptop.

Laura: So how does chlamydia cause infertility, then? What does it do inside that makes that happen?

Ron: It damages the fallopian tubes in the uterus, apparently, and it also affects sperm, um, count, so it lowers fertility on the men's side. But obviously it's just, like, it's not good for cells having bacteria running rampant through them. Um, like that. Yeah.

Laura: All right, Ron. Well, thank you very much. I found that fascinating, and I hope it's got you all in the mood for a sexy Valentine's 2025. Um. We love you. Be safe. Let's all get tested this week and share how we felt about it in the discord.

Ron: Yeah. Everyone get tested.

Laura: All right?

Ron: Join a union. Get tested.

Laura: Get tested. We'll see you next week for a level. Dick's penis is down.

00:54:38