Ron: You there, boy?
Ron: What podcast is this?
Laura: Why, it's Lex Education, misgu.
Laura: Merry Christmas.
Laura: Hello ho ho, and welcome to another festive episode of Lex Education.
Laura: Hello.
Laura: It's the comedy science podcast, where usually we slog our way through the AQA science syllabus with me, comedian Laura, Lex, and my non comedian brother Ron.
Ron: Hello, I'm Ron.
Laura: He's Ron.
Laura: However, for Christmas, we take some time off and we kick the syllabus into a burning grate where it smolders merrily away for us to roast chestnuts on, and we do something more fun and festive.
Ron: Yeah, it's 50 years of bump so that we can get through to the Christmas episodes every year.
Ron: Actually, Halloween is all right.
Laura: Maybe we should do a podcast that only does special episodes on specific festive days.
Ron: What me and my friends used to do when we were throwing parties is we would go on Wikipedia for that day and find out if there was anything we could celebrate.
Laura: I love it.
Ron: And then you'd just do the theme based off that.
Ron: So I think the most incongruous one we ever did was first known mention of Latvia day.
Laura: Love it.
Ron: So, yeah, we could do that.
Ron: And just whatever day the podcast is going out and we see what events happening that day.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: All right.
Laura: It's a little bit like this day in esoteric political history.
Laura: That one that I listen to.
Ron: Yeah, but not about political history.
Ron: No.
Ron: Probably wouldn't be that gump.
Ron: No.
Laura: Yeah, let's get really political.
Ron: I'm always trying.
Laura: Yeah, join a union.
Ron: Join a union.
Ron: Join the green party.
Laura: Oh, God.
Ron: But wasn't Thatcher great?
Laura: What a weird thing.
Ron: Meaningful change.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: And then it's like, is he going to win the election and then go for the worst sucker?
Ron: Well, I think that's honestly what people are hoping for, but I just don't think you can do politics on take back seats.
Ron: But we'll get into maybe let's do a drunk politics episode on the Patreon.
Laura: Oh, it'll be so insufferable, Ron.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Anyway, I've got wine, I've got chocolate.
Laura: I'm not going to lie.
Laura: I spent a good hour making a meal today, and we spent a lot of money on ingredients.
Ron: I spent 50 quid on.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: And then it was horrible.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: It tasted like medicine, and it made my mouth go numb.
Ron: It was the paste.
Laura: And was it?
Laura: Did you try the paste?
Ron: I sniffed the paste.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: The black beans in oil.
Ron: Delicious paste medicine.
Laura: Let's put the paste in the bin.
Ron: I feed all the paste to the dog.
Laura: No, because she smells bad enough as it is.
Laura: I've never had those peppercorns like that before.
Laura: On.
Laura: And my mouth went completely numb, and then my throat started to go numb, and it made me think that I was starting to close up my throat, and I hated it.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Laura's first experience with Sichuan pepper.
Laura: But didn't you put them in the dinner the other day?
Ron: Not as much.
Ron: Like 15% as much as you put in.
Laura: Well, I've got chocolate now and wine.
Laura: Maybe I'll try and make it again, but with a little bit less chili and none of that paste.
Laura: The concept of the meal miso instead of that paste.
Laura: And I think that that would be more up my street.
Ron: Yeah, fermented broad beans is not the way.
Laura: Anyway, onto happier subject.
Laura: Oh, I took the child of the podcast to the cinema for her first cinema trip today.
Ron: Stick man.
Ron: Stick man.
Ron: Stick man.
Ron: That's me.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Classic.
Laura: I think we might get the book now of stick man.
Ron: It's a good one.
Laura: It's a good one.
Ron: I like that one.
Ron: I like Zog.
Laura: Zog.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: No, that's not the witch.
Laura: That's room on the broom.
Ron: Zog is about a dragon who hangs out with a princess who doesn't want to be a princess.
Ron: She actually wants to be a doctor.
Laura: Oh, that's fun.
Laura: Did you have puss cat Wizzy Williams when you were a kid?
Ron: I couldn't say.
Laura: Maybe your sister at the podcast.
Laura: Okay, Ron.
Laura: Oh, your phone's buzing.
Laura: Who's messaging you?
Ron: I don't know.
Laura: Is it Noah?
Ron: Probably.
Laura: Is it the gender boy?
Laura: It's not a family Whatsapp group.
Laura: Because my phone's not buzing.
Ron: No.
Laura: Shall I go and have a look?
Ron: It might be them just messaging me.
Laura: Why would they message to shoe?
Ron: Because I talk to our family.
Laura: Not in the family WhatsApp group.
Laura: They can't send messages in there without me.
Ron: No, they'd send it directly to me.
Ron: I talked to older sister of the podcast a lot.
Laura: Me too.
Laura: So there.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: I'm not jealous.
Ron: I don't need to be a part of your relationship.
Laura: Why not?
Laura: Why are you so secure?
Ron: Anywho, what are we doing today, Laura?
Laura: I don't know, Ron.
Laura: It's something to do with the twelve days of Christmas.
Ron: Yes.
Ron: What I've done is I've gone through the twelve days of Christmas in an attempt to sort of ruin all of the fun.
Ron: I love it of them.
Ron: I really want to check who's texting me.
Laura: I'm eating chocolate because I thought you'd be talking for a while.
Laura: Husband of the podcast Tom brought me back some chocolate from a recent trip away.
Laura: And it's got no breakup bits to it, it's just a whole slab.
Ron: Which is good, because then you can steal it from Laura and she doesn't know you.
Laura: Dreamt about it.
Ron: Did dream about it.
Ron: Anywho, we're doing the twelve days of Christmas and what I've done is I've quantified it and stealing it.
Ron: Yeah, I've eaten about 20% of that bar, I'd say.
Ron: Yeah, go on.
Laura: Well, we can't both be throwing no.
Ron: Chocolate and wine.
Laura: It's.
Ron: Quantified it and we're gonna.
Ron: What if we did the twelve days of Christmas on Reindeer island from last year?
Ron: Yep, that's the idea.
Ron: What would be happening and what are the ramifications of that?
Laura: So wait, so I live on Reindeer island and you're giving me the twelve days of Christmas?
Ron: Not me.
Ron: I wouldn't do that to you.
Ron: Let's say, is it the office?
Ron: Your worst.
Laura: And Andy.
Ron: Yeah, Rona knows.
Ron: What's the name?
Ron: Erin.
Laura: Aaron.
Laura: That's it.
Ron: Who's April?
Laura: No, I think I'm thinking about some recks and rec.
Laura: They're called April and Andy aren't.
Ron: No, let's say your worst enemy.
Ron: Lucy Porter.
Laura: H***, I like Lucy Porter.
Ron: You used to hate her.
Ron: No, I didn't.
Ron: Yeah, you did.
Ron: Yeah, you did.
Ron: You used to be really angry at her because she was a small, posh woman that made it in comedy and took your spot on all of the panel.
Laura: Have I ever been angry with Lucy?
Ron: You have been.
Laura: No.
Ron: Don't lie now just because, you know.
Laura: Angry with the industry for only letting that space for one small brunette woman.
Laura: But I wouldn't hate you.
Ron: Did I?
Ron: Didn't you?
Ron: You did.
Ron: You didn't used to be the feminist that you are now.
Ron: You used to hate other women.
Ron: And she just married a posha version of your husband.
Ron: Justin Edwards is great.
Laura: Yeah, she's got some really cool material about her looking after their kids, and their kids have all taken after him, and so when they misbehave, she just pretends to be the spanish nanny.
Ron: She's funny lady.
Ron: I always liked her.
Ron: It was you that had the problem.
Laura: I've never had a problem with Lucy Porter.
Ron: You did.
Ron: You did.
Laura: I don't think I did.
Ron: Promise.
Laura: Why are we stopped?
Laura: Beef.
Ron: I didn't.
Laura: Doesn't exist.
Ron: I'm referencing old beef.
Laura: I don't think I've ever hated Lucy Porter anyway.
Ron: Let's say Lucy Porter's sending you all of this stuff.
Laura: Well, can we pick someone else?
Laura: I feel like you're slandering Lucy Porter.
Ron: Which female comedians do you hate?
Laura: Why do I have to be a female comedian?
Laura: But for the record, I'll add it into music.
Ron: I really like Sophie Juker.
Ron: Anywho, so let's say, all right, let's pick a different enemy from the comedy industry.
Ron: Russell Brand, sending you all of these.
Laura: All right.
Ron: So first thing to clear up, we're doing each day, and on each day, on each day, you receive all of the gifts so far.
Ron: Again, crikey, because otherwise it's just the number from the song, whereas this we start.
Laura: Did you have to make a spreadsheet to add all the numbers up?
Laura: Ron, look at your spreader.
Ron: Hang on.
Ron: Doesn't seem that impressive because I've hidden the rows.
Ron: Look at all of this.
Laura: Oh, look at all that.
Laura: Math's happening.
Ron: So can you work out, Laura, which thing we have the most of by the end?
Laura: Let me think.
Laura: Seven things.
Laura: Five times will be 35.
Laura: Eight things.
Laura: Four times will be 32.
Laura: Six things.
Laura: Six times 36.
Laura: The six things.
Ron: It's the 6th and the 7th things.
Ron: There are 42 geese by the end and 42 swans.
Laura: Nice.
Laura: My math was wrong, but I got to the right answer.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So we've got twelve partridges and twelve pear trees.
Ron: Twelve turtle doves, twelve french hens.
Ron: Twelve calling.
Ron: No, 22 french hens.
Ron: 30.
Ron: No, 22 total doves, 30 french hands.
Ron: Six calling birds.
Ron: 36 calling birds.
Laura: So we're fast forwarding to day twelve when all this stuff is now here, are we?
Ron: I'm going to talk through each thing in order.
Laura: Okay?
Ron: 40 gold rings by the end of it.
Ron: Now, I haven't done the pheasant thing.
Laura: Oh, you've just gone with actual gold rings?
Ron: Yes, because otherwise it's all birds till day nine.
Laura: I mean, I feel like the 40 gold rings then can just really sit in a pile.
Ron: Well, there'll be more.
Ron: 42 geese and swans is just for.
Laura: Anybody that wasn't a national treasures fan and therefore did not hear this brilliant fact.
Laura: The five gold rings means five pheasants.
Laura: Ron's just poured red wine all over my blanket and his laptop.
Laura: Now you're mopping up with your t shirt?
Laura: What's wrong with you?
Laura: You owe me a new acorn.
Laura: Don't suck it off with your mouth, you grot.
Laura: Gold rings for first of pheasants.
Laura: They have a little gold ring around their neck.
Laura: That's what that means.
Ron: Sorry.
Ron: 40 maids are milking.
Laura: F****** h***.
Laura: What are they milking each other.
Ron: You'll see.
Ron: Okay, 36 ladies dancing.
Ron: Oh, f***, I forgot the ladies dancing.
Ron: In my analysis, they don't matter, they're just dancing.
Laura: We're going to have to have bandages for their feet.
Ron: 30 lords are leaping, 22 pipers piping, and then twelve drummers drumming.
Ron: Okay, so first thing that happened, obviously, we got the partridges now.
Laura: Partridges in a pear tree?
Ron: In pear trees.
Laura: We're going to have norchard by the end.
Ron: Well, I've split the partridges and the pear trees.
Laura: What do you mean?
Ron: We're going to talk about both of them.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: Partridges.
Ron: So we're getting.
Ron: Partridges lay anywhere between five and ten eggs a day.
Laura: F****** h***.
Laura: Partridges, yeah.
Laura: Why aren't we eating more partridge eggs?
Ron: I don't know.
Laura: Never seen a partridge.
Laura: Do they still exist?
Ron: I don't think I'd know a partridge.
Laura: If I tripped over google a partridge.
Ron: They do exist.
Laura: Still.
Laura: Sure they're not?
Ron: Ah.
Laura: Oh, they're pretty.
Laura: Partridges are cute.
Laura: Ma'am, how many partridges live in the UK?
Laura: Partridge in the UK.
Laura: They're really beautiful.
Laura: Oh, they don't live in the southeast.
Ron: And the southwest, so that's us ruled out.
Laura: That's why we don't see them.
Laura: They occupy a wide strip along the east of Scotland, but they're a bit scarce.
Ron: So what I've done, I've averaged that to ten eggs a day.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: So on the first day, they often.
Laura: Live in partridges in pear trees.
Ron: No, stop it.
Laura: Okay, sorry.
Ron: No, it's a gift.
Ron: They haven't just found a bird in its natural habitat and given that to someone.
Ron: The pear tree is there because it pears.
Laura: Oh, white.
Laura: So we get to have pears.
Laura: Do you think the pear tree is blooming back to the partridge?
Ron: Ten eggs a day from the partridge.
Ron: So the first day we're just getting ten eggs because there's only one partridge.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: Second day, there's two partridges.
Ron: So we're getting 20 eggs.
Laura: Are they fertilized, I'm assuming?
Ron: Yes.
Laura: Oh, God.
Ron: Up until the last.
Ron: On the last day, we get 100 partridge eggs.
Laura: S******* Christ.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: That is 550 eggs by the end of the twelve days.
Laura: Laura, that's a lot of eggs.
Ron: Sorry?
Ron: 780 eggs.
Laura: By day?
Ron: By day twelve.
Laura: We could feed gaston.
Ron: So I looked up the mortality rate of partridge eggs.
Ron: Yeah, that means.
Ron: You googling what mortality rate means?
Laura: No.
Laura: What does it mean?
Laura: When do they die?
Ron: How many die?
Laura: How many parts can't die?
Ron: Eggs can die.
Laura: What do you mean an egg can die?
Ron: Why wouldn't an egg be able to die?
Laura: It's an egg.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Is there a chick in the egg or is it an egg?
Laura: There's chicks in these eggs straight out of the foof.
Ron: Do you not know what an egg is?
Laura: I do, but when does an egg turn into a chick?
Laura: When it hatches, you idiot.
Laura: No, because it's not an egg up to the second it hatches, is it?
Laura: And then.
Laura: No, von, I'm not meaning the shell of the egg.
Laura: I'm mean the inside of the question.
Laura: My question.
Laura: Do you know, when I was little, I used to think that birds conceived by the male bird just weing on eggs and that was how eggs got fertile.
Ron: You're not smart.
Laura: No.
Laura: Anyway, listen.
Laura: Well, I didn't see any penises, so how did I know?
Laura: Listen, if the egg is fertilized, is there a small chick in the egg when it comes out?
Laura: The chicken?
Ron: No.
Laura: So it's like an egg.
Ron: It's a fetus.
Ron: It's a fetus.
Laura: So if it's fertilized and unfertilized, the egg is noticeably different when it comes out of the Chicken.
Ron: No.
Laura: So it comes out just like an egg we would eat.
Laura: And then it develops into a chip.
Ron: I don't know exactly the status of the fetus inside the egg when it's laid.
Laura: Well, that's what I'm wondering.
Laura: These are fertilized eggs.
Laura: Can we eat some of them?
Ron: People do eat fertilized eggs.
Ron: It's a delicacy in Italy.
Laura: I don't.
Ron: Oh, you crunch through the little chick inside.
Ron: It's illegal.
Laura: Like a kinder surprise.
Ron: Yeah, it's not for the kinders.
Ron: Elton.
Ron: Surprise.
Laura: Why are some delicacies.
Ron: Great joke.
Laura: I didn't hear it.
Ron: You wouldn't have gone there.
Ron: You don't speak German.
Laura: Kinder means child.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Elter means grandparents.
Laura: What did you say, Elton?
Ron: Surprise.
Ron: What are you googling?
Laura: Can you eat partridge eggs?
Laura: Red partridge eggs are a delicacy that has earned more than deserved fame among lovers of good food.
Laura: It's five times smaller than chicken eggs.
Laura: Oh, they're we.
Ron: So, based off the average mortality.
Laura: Whoa.
Laura: But they have the same remarkable nutritional values.
Ron: Yeah, because it's an egg.
Ron: It's the same thing.
Ron: But I don't think you understand what an egg is.
Laura: No, I do, but eggs aren't eggs.
Laura: Is eggs.
Ron: Bird eggs is eggs.
Laura: No, they can't be.
Ron: They are.
Laura: They're different animals inside them.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: The dna that's growing in the fetus is different, but yolk is just fuel.
Laura: But you said the chick was in there.
Laura: The fetus is in there.
Ron: I said where?
Ron: In the egg?
Laura: In the yolk or in the white?
Ron: It's on the edge of the yolk.
Ron: You ever seen, like the little red speck in an egg?
Laura: No.
Ron: You've never seen a little red speck in an egg?
Laura: No.
Ron: That's their chick.
Ron: That happens sometimes.
Ron: You'll see it now.
Laura: And that's a delicacy.
Ron: No, there's like a semideveloped bird when.
Laura: They have the delicacy that makes it feel balky.
Ron: Anyway, so we're going to hatch about 680 partridges from this mental.
Laura: We're going to have more partridges than anything else.
Ron: They take about a month to hatch.
Laura: Okay, so we're not going to get any chicks.
Ron: No.
Ron: Throughout february, though, total after that, we're going to have about 800 partridges.
Laura: I think the partridges are going to take over.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: I mean, if we keep going by it that.
Laura: But wait, all the birds are going to lay eggs.
Ron: A lot of what we're going to talk about today, Laura, is about how many eggs birds lay.
Ron: When we came up with this idea for the episode, we did not consider how much of the twelve days of Christmas.
Laura: I love it.
Laura: It's just birds because we played wingsband.
Ron: The other day and we'll probably play it again tonight.
Laura: Yeah, we're going to play taverns of teepanthal.
Ron: We got time for both, b****.
Laura: I'm going to have to have a different dinner because I'm so sad about that s***.
Laura: Medicine dinner.
Ron: That's partridges.
Ron: 800 by the end.
Laura: What if it was 800 Alan partridges?
Laura: Do you love Alan Partridge?
Ron: I haven't watched all of it.
Ron: I love.
Ron: This is out, is it?
Ron: No, I am Alan.
Ron: The one where he's living in like the premiere in.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: That I think is one of the best sitcoms ever written.
Ron: It's great.
Laura: Have you listened to his audiobooks?
Laura: Very worth it, Ron.
Laura: You're not an audiobook guy.
Ron: No, I like podcasts because they're small, bite size.
Laura: Nick Cope's podcast, Pears.
Ron: Laura.
Laura: Pears.
Laura: I don't like pears.
Ron: No.
Ron: Trash.
Ron: Apples.
Ron: Throw them off.
Laura: Flower apples.
Ron: Mealy.
Laura: We're just going to have twelve pear trees.
Ron: Pear trees by the end.
Ron: Because one a day.
Ron: Yeah, that's fine.
Laura: And they're probably not fruiting in.
Ron: You get crops after about three years with a pear tree.
Laura: And it's winter.
Ron: It's winter three years.
Ron: So 2026, you get about 25 pears per tree.
Laura: Pear jam.
Ron: That's 300 pears a year.
Ron: You want to hazard guess as to how many pears that is?
Laura: 300 kilos of pears.
Laura: And a pear is probably, what, 200 grams?
Laura: So five.
Ron: Just spit it out.
Laura: It's not that.
Ron: Not that fun.
Laura: 300.
Ron: Spit it out.
Ron: You guessing how many pears that is?
Laura: Not.
Ron: It's 1800 pears.
Laura: I can't do math.
Ron: That wasn't fast.
Laura: I'm so hungry and sad.
Laura: Should we get matching pajamas for Christmas day and not tell anyone else?
Laura: And just me and you do it.
Ron: I don't know if they're onesies.
Laura: Yeah, Lex, education.
Laura: Christmas onesies.
Laura: And just be like, you dickens.
Laura: Don't.
Laura: Oh, the sister of the podcast got back in touch, though.
Laura: She listens every week and she messaged again after her message was played out, which I don't.
Laura: Yeah, went out.
Ron: We've been recording for 20 minutes.
Laura: Yeah, and she said she.
Laura: Hang on, let me find her message.
Laura: I'm going to start a spin off podcast where it's just me listening to Lex Education and interjecting gogglebox style, because sometimes I forget that it's not a phone call and I try and join in.
Laura: So it turns out that's why she's not been getting in touch about the podcast much.
Laura: She thinks she's in it.
Ron: Not signed up for the Patreon though, has she?
Laura: No, but that's okay.
Laura: I'd hate to be taking meals out of nephew of the podcast mouth.
Ron: Might give her that for Christmas.
Laura: Yeah, let's sign up our whole family to our patreon.
Laura: They'd expect it from me, but not from you.
Ron: Making them a tea towel of all of our online friends.
Laura: So excited to get the tea towel on the go.
Ron: Anywho, next up we got the turtle doves, the turkey.
Ron: Turkey, dove.
Ron: Doves.
Ron: Pretty, pretty.
Ron: Went very Alan Bartridge there.
Laura: Actually, how many eggs do these bad boys lay?
Ron: Not loads.
Ron: Eh?
Laura: They must be small.
Ron: So turtle doves only lay two to five eggs a year.
Laura: What?
Laura: Yeah, they are going to be having some interesting chats with the partridges about lifestyle habits.
Ron: Indeed.
Laura: Oh, no.
Ron: Oh, sorry.
Ron: I should say the partridges lay the eggs every other day.
Ron: The math still is the same.
Ron: But just I got that wrong.
Ron: It takes them two days to lay ten eggs.
Laura: How can the math still be the same?
Ron: Because I just spoke about it wrong.
Ron: I didn't do the maths wrong.
Laura: Ron.
Laura: Yeah, an interjection here.
Laura: Okay, how many turtle doves are we going to have at the end?
Ron: 22.
Laura: Right.
Laura: The turtle dove is the UK's fastest declining bird species and is on the brink of extinction, possibly due to Christmas gift giving.
Laura: But we might be able to get some funding because we've got 22 healthy specimens.
Ron: Okay, interesting.
Ron: We're going to need that funding later.
Laura: We got to buy grain.
Ron: You're going to find out why.
Ron: So turtle doves only lay two to five eggs a year.
Ron: So I've said that averages out about three eggs.
Laura: They're going extinct.
Laura: They're like the pandas of the air.
Laura: So we got 40 a panda in the air.
Ron: I liked it a lot.
Ron: So we got 22 turtle doves towards the end, three eggs each a year.
Ron: That is 66 eggs by the end of the year.
Ron: By the end of the year.
Ron: I looked at the mortality rate of turtle.
Ron: A lot of today I spent looking at mortality rates of birds, 47 eggs plus the 22 originals, that's 69 turtle doves by the end of the year.
Laura: That's pretty good.
Laura: I think we could start a sanctuary for turtle doves then.
Ron: Yeah, mabes, we're going to move on.
Ron: We've talked a lot about eggs.
Ron: Do you know what's coming up next?
Ron: French f****** hens.
Laura: French hens?
Laura: What's a french hen then?
Laura: French hens.
Laura: Oh, they're cute, Ron.
Laura: They're sassy, they're lovely.
Ron: They look like turkey chickens.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: You know those chickens that look like to dogs?
Laura: That's what these are, you know, like a poodle.
Laura: Not all dogs, but you know that dog at the beginning of 101 dalmatian walking past that's been real poodle groomed?
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: This is what these chickens look like.
Ron: But you said, you know those chickens that look like dogs.
Laura: I meant that dog in the drawing.
Laura: My brain works faster than my mouth.
Laura: My mind is like a bottleneck, Ron.
Laura: It's amazing in my brain.
Laura: But then when you filter it through the words that exist, it just comes out weird.
Ron: Have you ever considered it's not amazing in your brain, you're amazed by it because of the dullness of your brain.
Laura: How could my brain.
Laura: No, that's not it.
Laura: It's incredible.
Ron: Stunning.
Ron: Kruger effect, isn't it?
Laura: No.
Laura: It's so fast in here, but it's a really slow mechanism for getting it out and so I just need people to think the same as me.
Ron: So by the end of the french hens, we're getting 22 eggs a day.
Ron: Our french, 125 eggs.
Ron: Over the course of the twelve day period, mortality rate, we're getting 113 french hens.
Ron: From that, plus the 30 that we've already got, that's 143 french hens.
Ron: You're going to use those french hens, also critically endangered.
Laura: They could go on to our charity status.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Now, next up, we could buy some.
Laura: French maran hens for sale.
Laura: Buy chicken online.
Ron: All right, Patreon goal.
Ron: If we hit 300 patrons, we'll buy some french hens.
Laura: Let's have a look.
Laura: How much can you buy a french hen for?
Laura: Purebreed French marins.
Laura: Pippinchicksilkies.com French marins are such majestic looking big utility hens.
Laura: How much will it?
Laura: 45 quid a chicken.
Ron: Wow.
Laura: Bloody h***.
Laura: Whoa.
Laura: Look at how dark brown the eggs are.
Ron: Wow.
Laura: They look like chestnut conkers.
Ron: Anyway, next up, Laura.
Ron: You know what we got?
Laura: Four.
Laura: Three french hens.
Laura: Four calling birds.
Ron: Yeah, you're going the wrong way, but yes, it's four calling birds.
Ron: Yeah, you count down on that song.
Laura: One partridge.
Laura: No.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Twelve.
Ron: Should we have explained this song in case we have listeners that aren't?
Ron: Because we do have a lot of listeners.
Ron: Not in the UK.
Laura: I don't think this song's stuck in the UK, though, is it?
Ron: I don't know.
Laura: Surely we don't.
Laura: No, we're listening in a second language.
Ron: Oh, no.
Ron: We do have people listening from.
Laura: You have to have such a good grasp on English to be able to follow this s***.
Ron: Sorry, gang.
Ron: Google it, though.
Ron: Twelve days of Christmas.
Laura: Anyway, it's definitely in America because the office had it.
Laura: Yeah, like Australia, New Zealand.
Laura: We know we've got listeners there.
Laura: They know.
Ron: So next up is the four calling bird.
Laura: Now, what is a calling bird now?
Ron: A calling bird.
Ron: I couldn't find Laura.
Ron: I've done research.
Laura: Right, a collie bird.
Ron: No.
Ron: The four calling birds are said to represent the four canonical gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Laura: Bullshit.
Ron: New Testament, reflecting the prevailing christian religion of the period.
Laura: So we're getting four bibles, no gospel choir.
Ron: What you're going to end up with is nine blokes called Mark, nine blokes called Matthew, nine blokes called Luke and nine blokes called John.
Laura: F****** right.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: And then I moved on from that.
Ron: We've had a lot of birds.
Laura: I was going to make a joke then that I might feel like editing out, but I won't.
Ron: Okay, next up, gold rings.
Laura: Gold rings.
Laura: And we're not going pheasants.
Ron: Not going pheasants because we've spent so much talking about how many eggs birds are going to lay.
Laura: We're just going with gold rings.
Ron: And we've still got geese and swans.
Laura: To go s******* s****.
Ron: So I looked up the average weight of a gold ring.
Ron: It's about 5 grams.
Ron: All right, 5 grams of gold.
Laura: Can we go white gold?
Laura: I prefer white gold.
Ron: No, because I've done all of the calculations for normal gold, for yellow gold.
Ron: So by the end, Lori, we've got 20 grams of gold.
Laura: All right, that doesn't seem like a lot.
Ron: Sorry.
Ron: 200 grams of gold.
Laura: Oh, that seems like more.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: That's ten times more.
Laura: And gold keeps its worth, ma'am, goes up sometimes.
Laura: The gold price per gram.
Ron: Do you want to guess?
Laura: Gold is 51 pound?
Laura: 56.
Ron: Why are you s******* on the research that I've done?
Laura: I don't know.
Laura: I just like to join in a bit.
Ron: Yeah, it's just not helpful.
Laura: Spiked massively at the beginning of December.
Laura: It has dropped a bit since.
Laura: Oh.
Laura: It's actually not a massive spike.
Laura: This graph is very small.
Laura: Sorry, Ron, I'll stop looking for information.
Laura: I just want to join in.
Ron: You can, but let me do the research, because I've done all the research.
Ron: Okay, so, like you said, it is about 52 quid per gram.
Laura: What a good guess.
Laura: Laura.
Laura: Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink.
Ron: That 200 grams of gold that we have by the end is worth ten k.
Ron: F***.
Laura: And that is important for feeding all these birds that are presumably fighting each other for life at the moment.
Ron: I think they're feeding on insects around the island.
Laura: But surely the rat carpet is demolished.
Laura: All of the insects on the island, if you don't get that bit, you need to go back and listen to last year's episode, how to make a reindeer fly.
Ron: But if we didn't melt all this gold down and we kept it as rings, we're looking at 28k.
Laura: Whoa.
Laura: If we sold them as individual big pot of money.
Laura: Okay, we're going to need that.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: We've got species to bring back from the brink here.
Ron: Look.
Ron: Geese, swans.
Ron: They're laying eggs.
Ron: I'm just going to tell you, by the end, we're going to have 17 goose eggs.
Ron: Swans are the worst birds, about 13 geese.
Laura: They're the most obnoxious birds we're going.
Ron: To have after a year.
Ron: 252 swan eggs.
Laura: F****** H***.
Laura: Do we have to post them back to the king?
Laura: Do swans belong to King Charles now?
Laura: Or were they always the queens?
Laura: And so now she's dead, no one gets them.
Ron: I don't know.
Ron: I don't care.
Laura: We just paused to take a little photo.
Ron: Now, I couldn't find egg hatch rates for swans, but I did find how long it takes them to reach full, like how many reach maturity.
Ron: The lighting is not very good.
Ron: Is it?
Laura: Oh, my God, you're so grumpy.
Laura: Can you get your wine into the shot, please?
Ron: We're going to end up with 126 swans by the end.
Laura: By the end.
Ron: New swans signets.
Laura: Yeah, I used to call them sniggets.
Ron: Plus the 42 swans that we had originally.
Laura: 42?
Ron: 42 plus 126 swans.
Laura: A lot of swans.
Ron: David, focus, please.
Laura: I am focused.
Ron: You're taking pictures.
Ron: For some.
Laura: You're just giving me numbers of swans.
Laura: Yeah, because I'm trying to get past.
Ron: All these f****** birds.
Laura: Birds.
Ron: Birds.
Ron: All right, next up, geese are laying.
Ron: We're in the geese laying?
Ron: No, we've done geese laying when the maids are milking.
Laura: Now what are they milking?
Ron: Cows.
Laura: Are they coming with cows?
Laura: Is each maid coming with their own cow?
Ron: I'll tell you how many f****** cows there are, mate.
Laura: Oh, dear.
Ron: Right.
Ron: So I looked into how long it takes a maid to milk a cow.
Ron: Any guesses?
Laura: 25 minutes?
Ron: Half an hour?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Pretty d*** good.
Ron: And then I said, our maids, they're going to put in a good.
Laura: I love cows.
Laura: I'm scared of them, but I love them.
Ron: They're going to put in a good shift.
Ron: Yeah, they're going to do eight hour shifts.
Ron: Normal working day.
Laura: You can't milk for 8 hours.
Laura: Your hands would cramp.
Ron: These are professional maids.
Laura: They'd cramp, mate.
Ron: They're professional maids.
Ron: They're used to it.
Laura: I don't think you're milking for 8 hours if you're a professional milkmaid.
Ron: These maids are.
Laura: Can I research this?
Ron: No.
Laura: How long can you hand milk a cow for?
Ron: It takes half an hour.
Laura: Yeah, but I don't think you could then.
Ron: Takes half an hour.
Laura: You can milk 16 cows in a row.
Ron: No, you milk them at the morning and the evening.
Ron: They're doing two four hour shifts.
Laura: Okay, that's better, because the hands have got time to.
Ron: They'd be so worried about their hands.
Laura: I am worried about their hands.
Ron: That we're paying the minimum wage.
Laura: Why are we paying them?
Laura: Wait.
Laura: They were a gift.
Ron: We're not having slaves.
Ron: Milk slaves.
Ron: Anyway, the maids are milking cows.
Ron: Cows get milk twice a day, once in the evening and once in the morning.
Laura: Are the cows breeding, or have we just got cows?
Ron: We just got cows.
Ron: I'm not worrying about that.
Ron: The cows weren't a gift.
Laura: The cows.
Ron: So they're milking eight cows a day each.
Ron: By the end of this, we have 320 cows with our maids.
Laura: Really?
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Wait, eight maids are milking for four days?
Laura: Surely we have 32 cows.
Ron: No, because we get eight maids every day?
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: On day eight we get eight.
Ron: On day eight, we get eight maids and 64 cows.
Laura: Why do they each come with eight cows?
Ron: Because.
Ron: Were you not listening?
Ron: I just said they need eight cows each.
Laura: I did miss that bit.
Laura: I'm sorry.
Laura: I was picturing the gate that you'd have to take the cows through.
Laura: I picture that farm on Rectory road at the bottom of the hill fort.
Ron: That's lovely.
Laura: They all have to have six, eight cows?
Ron: Yes, because it takes them.
Laura: I think one cow per made is enough.
Ron: No, f******.
Ron: Listen, dunce.
Ron: It takes half an hour to milk a cow.
Ron: They milk each cow twice.
Laura: Just an easy day.
Ron: They milk each cow twice a day.
Ron: They are milking for 8 hours.
Ron: That's eight cows.
Laura: See, I think let's just not pay them.
Laura: But let them have just one cow and just do half an hour a day.
Laura: They can keep any milk that they get.
Ron: Have to pay people even if they're not milking.
Laura: Paying them in milk.
Ron: Wait.
Ron: A cow makes four liters of milk a day?
Ron: Okay, so by the last day we're making 1400 liters of milk.
Laura: Jesus.
Ron: Total.
Ron: We're making almost 4000 liters of milk in five days.
Laura: Ron, can I ask a question that's jumping ahead a tiny bit?
Ron: Yes.
Laura: Can we get the lords of leaping into some kind of churn action to turn this into cheese?
Ron: No, they're busy and we'll come on to what they're doing in a second.
Ron: Okay, so I looked up the cost of milk.
Ron: When you buy it from a farmer, they only pay 36 p per liter for that.
Laura: What, the big Supermarkets, the milk people?
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Don't buy your milk from supermarkets, peeps.
Ron: So we're only making 1400 quid from our bloody milk?
Laura: Can't we sell it to more ethical practitioners?
Ron: We might be able to borrow, but all right.
Laura: It's not a lot, is it?
Ron: No.
Laura: Shoot the cows in the head.
Ron: Now, I calculated.
Ron: I calculated how many hours our maids are working.
Ron: Do you remember earlier I asked you how old you thought a maid was?
Laura: About 24.
Laura: I said, yeah.
Ron: So top bracket of minimum wage.
Ron: If they're all working 8 hours per day and we have as many maids by the end as I think we do we're shelling out over eleven grand in maid wages, Laura.
Ron: That leaves us almost ten k in the hole for these milk.
Laura: Our gold ring money is not going to stretch to paying these maids.
Ron: No.
Ron: Well, we're going to have, after we've sold all the milk.
Ron: And if we sell it as gold, we're going to have about 700 quid left over.
Laura: S***.
Laura: We're going to have something else to do with this milk.
Ron: If we sell it as rings, we do have about 19.
Laura: Can I come up with a better plan for the milk?
Laura: I don't think we should sell it as milk then, Ron.
Laura: This is no good.
Ron: But we don't have any.
Ron: Mungers are mongering to turn it into cheese or something.
Laura: Could we poach some of the eggs?
Laura: Milk.
Laura: Poached eggs.
Ron: I think that's nothing.
Laura: I'll google milk.
Laura: Poached eggs.
Laura: See if that's anything.
Laura: Milk.
Laura: Poached eggs.
Laura: Oh, poached eggs in milk with toast kitten Carl's perfect poached egg recipe.
Laura: Poached eggs in milk is a thing.
Laura: What are eggs cooked in milk called?
Laura: Milk.
Laura: Poached eggs?
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Okay.
Laura: No.
Laura: Restaurants selling them have come up, so it's impossible to say what they would sell for.
Ron: I don't think anyone's buying.
Laura: What else can you do with milk?
Laura: Let's google that.
Laura: What else can you do with milk?
Laura: Make friends with the freezer.
Laura: It's happening on your laptop.
Ron: What is happening?
Ron: Are you done?
Laura: Yeah, I've stumbled across some websites I wish I hadn't seen.
Laura: I need to put the safe search settings back on.
Ron: Yikes.
Ron: So now, as I stated at the top of the episode, I forgot about the ladies dancing, but I'm generally uninterested.
Laura: No, add them in.
Laura: Now, how about we use the ladies dancing to churn the milk then and turn it into cheese and we'll get a better return on the cheese.
Ron: But we still have to pay the ladies to dance.
Laura: No, we don't.
Ron: It's Tory Britain having dance slaves either.
Ron: I don't want milk slaves.
Ron: It's not a job if we don't pay.
Laura: Honestly, Ron, picture it.
Laura: Right now, we're in that w**** farm shop that my mum works in.
Laura: We're selling little round bits of cheese covered in wax that are hand churned by ladies.
Laura: People are going to pay like 17 pounds for a little blob.
Ron: The ladies are not for churning.
Laura: All right, Starmer?
Ron: Pretty good.
Laura: Very good.
Laura: I don't know why you don't feel like you want us to be in the hole?
Ron: No, it's just I want to pay.
Laura: People for working for them too, Ron.
Laura: But I really think we could make a killing on some.
Laura: Like these cows were raised with only birds for company, making them the nicest cows in town.
Ron: How much cheese?
Laura: That wine's gone right to my head.
Laura: I think having no dinner has not helped, Ron.
Laura: I hated that dinner so much.
Ron: So you make one and a half kilos of cheese?
Ron: No, it takes ten liters of milk to make a kilo of cheese.
Laura: How much milk did we have?
Laura: We had loads.
Ron: We've got loads wholesale.
Ron: Cheese selling price.
Ron: Mild cheddar is 110 pounds per ton.
Laura: What's that compared to milk?
Laura: Can you sell milk by the ton?
Ron: Yes.
Laura: Can you have a ton of a liquid?
Ron: Yes.
Ron: A ton's a weight.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: You're really sick today.
Ron: You didn't know what an egg was, what milk weighs?
Laura: Oh, my God.
Laura: I think you want me to be thicker than I am.
Ron: I don't.
Ron: We've got 1.3 tons.
Ron: No, because we're only making 100 kilos.
Ron: We're only making about ten quids worth of cheese.
Ron: Laura, it's not going to pay for these dancing ladies.
Laura: I just think we've got to kill the milkmaids.
Ron: Anyway.
Laura: Milk is.
Ron: No, we're making.
Ron: No, wait, hang on.
Ron: We're making about 400 cheese, so we're making about 45 quid for our cheese.
Ron: Seems off.
Ron: Seems really cheap.
Ron: But no, you don't understand business either.
Laura: Right?
Laura: 400 grams of cheese at Tesco.
Ron: Yeah, but Laura, we're not Tesco.
Ron: We have to sell this wholesale for someone else to distribute.
Ron: We don't have the supply line, let alone the renin.
Laura: What's renin?
Ron: Renin's the.
Laura: Is that that little bone marrow stuff?
Ron: No, it comes from the stomach lining of calves and they use it to make cheese.
Laura: Renin's not the right word.
Laura: Rennet.
Ron: Rennet.
Laura: That's it.
Laura: Yeah, but we do have cows in that page.
Laura: Isn't she cute?
Ron: We do have lots of cows, actually, so maybe we could pump their stomachs.
Laura: I don't think all cheese needs rennet, though.
Ron: Lots of cheese does.
Laura: But some cheese are suitable for vegetarians.
Ron: Yeah, but it doesn't matter the costs.
Laura: Of the dancing ice creams.
Ron: Sure, but we don't have the equipment for that.
Laura: Okay, I'm worried, Laura.
Ron: We've got a bloated workforce.
Ron: That's our problem.
Ron: It's not that we're not being resourceful enough with the milk.
Laura: The problem is that they came with so many cows.
Ron: Yeah, to keep the women busy.
Laura: The maids only because you want to pay them.
Laura: Whereas if we just live in my world, where they get free room on board and they just milk one cow twice a day, we still have to pay them.
Laura: No, we don't.
Laura: We do.
Ron: For their time.
Laura: It's an hour a day.
Ron: What are they doing the rest of the day.
Laura: I don't care.
Laura: These are full time, Laura.
Laura: Imagine that, your cv.
Laura: Full time maid responsibilities.
Laura: Flora.
Laura: Cow party.
Laura: You go to a gig, buttercup.
Ron: You don't just get paid for the minutes that you're on the stage.
Ron: They pay you for the evening, Ron.
Laura: They don't.
Laura: They pay me whatever they feel like.
Laura: And I have to say yes because the gig economy is terrible.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: And I don't want to subject these maids to this.
Laura: Oh, so you want the maids to have a better life than me?
Ron: Yeah, there's loads of them.
Laura: Maybe I'm going to become a maid and then you'll have to be nice to me and dumb in.
Ron: I'll call these maids dumb ins if they're as dumb as you.
Laura: There's loads of days.
Laura: I don't even make minimum wage.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: F****** maids who sat around all day.
Ron: No, sat around 16 hours of the day.
Ron: They're working the 8 hours.
Laura: Bullshit.
Ron: They're milking eight cows.
Laura: Let's get off these maids now.
Laura: I'm sick of them.
Ron: No, so I forgot the ladies.
Ron: Done.
Laura: You go for brunch with these maids.
Ron: Next up we've got the lords are leaping.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: Now, so what I've done for these guys is I looked up how much a lord gets paid.
Laura: Well, that's a flexible question, isn't it?
Ron: Well, actually lords don't get paid to be lords.
Laura: But they get paid to do other stuff.
Ron: Well, yeah, they have other jobs, but we're not paying those jobs.
Laura: Oh, so we just have to pay their lord wages?
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Now if they don't live in, do.
Laura: They have to go and sit in the commons in the.
Ron: They get a daily allowance.
Ron: If they eat for days, they're sitting.
Laura: Their food is really cheap.
Laura: They get like mackerel on toast for like one pound 72.
Ron: Do you want to guess how much the daily allowance is?
Laura: Oh, loads.
Laura: 70 pounds.
Ron: It depends, Laura.
Ron: No, it depends where they live.
Ron: So I scanned the list of all of the expenses that have been paid for lords.
Ron: Now we're imagining that we're on Rat Carpet island, so that's about as far away from the House of Lords as you could live.
Ron: So I went with the highest amount I could see on there, 4700 pounds a day.
Ron: A day.
Ron: And that's not even including travel costs and stuff.
Ron: All of that's paid for as well.
Ron: That's how much they get.
Laura: That's just being on retainer to be.
Ron: A lord if they go in.
Laura: F*** me.
Laura: This country needs burning to the ground and starting again.
Ron: So I assume that they're all getting paid that because.
Laura: Jesus Christ, this is even worse than these maids.
Ron: By the end, Laura, we're shelling out 287,000 pounds to these lords.
Laura: Why do we have to pay this?
Laura: This feels like the government's.
Laura: Because these are our lords now.
Ron: Now, Laura, hang on.
Laura: So are they now in charge of us?
Ron: Well, here's the thing.
Ron: So we've got 30 of these lords, right?
Laura: 30 lords.
Laura: Oh, this island is getting worse and worse.
Laura: It's just birdship and posh men everywhere.
Ron: So I went onto the.
Laura: Wait, so the ladies dancing, are there ladies?
Ron: Forget about the ladies dancing.
Laura: Well, I'm just wondering if they are getting paid like lords get paid.
Ron: I forgot.
Ron: No, they're on minimum wage, like the maid.
Laura: So they're not ladies like lords and ladies.
Laura: They're just women.
Ron: No, they're women.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: They're lovely ladies.
Laura: Okay.
Ron: They're just dancing.
Laura: Now I'm picturing it in the Sopranos.
Ron: Anyway, so I looked up how much power we've got with 30 lords.
Laura: Do we run the country now?
Ron: So guess how many votes the Lords have done in this parliamentary session, that with our block of 30 lords, we could have changed the course of the House of Lord.
Laura: All of them?
Ron: 729.
Laura: That's a lot, David.
Ron: It was most.
Ron: I didn't count the total, but there was 29 things.
Laura: I feel like, weirdly, though, in recent history, the Lords have been the things blocking the stuff that I haven't wanted the Commons to put through, and they've weirdly been a salvation, even though they're a bunch of entitled old men.
Ron: Well.
Laura: And that weird young woman that Johnson put in there.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So, personally, I have no problem with the concept of the House of Lords.
Laura: Really?
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: You can't have hereditary.
Ron: No, that's what I'm saying.
Ron: The concept of the House of Lords.
Ron: I actually think having a house of parliament, that is top doctors and scientists and lawyers and teachers and that sort of thing, which some people in the House of Lords are, I think that's a really good idea, having an element of meritocracy.
Ron: Get rid of inherited lordships and stuff.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: That's insane.
Laura: And get rid of the peers honors list at the end of a PM's.
Laura: That's insane.
Ron: Honey.
Ron: Peanuts.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Okay.
Laura: My tummy really hurt.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: I put wine on that medicine and a cheest string and all that chocolate.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: You ate chocolate, then cheese and wine.
Laura: Yeah, it hurt, but, yeah.
Ron: 29 votes that we could have amended.
Ron: Here's the list of stuff that they get paid.
Ron: Right.
Ron: So that's their daily allowance there.
Ron: So, I mean, this person's coming from Northern Ireland and they're only getting a grand.
Ron: This person's coming from Bedfordshire and they're getting four and a half k and their travel cost was 434 pounds.
Laura: But is that because they voted in four times as many things as the other guy?
Laura: Oh, no, that's just my allowance.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Number of days attended.
Ron: No, that's the date.
Ron: I'll put this out there.
Ron: I don't 100% know I'm reading this right, but I think I am.
Laura: Maybe that's totals not like per day.
Ron: Well, you'd think that, but.
Ron: Oh, actually, wait, hang on.
Ron: Because, yeah, this person's been there 13.
Laura: Times, but that's still a lot, though.
Laura: A grand?
Laura: No.
Laura: So that's about 300 pounds a day for that Northern Ireland bloke.
Ron: Hang on, I need to recalculate this.
Ron: Hang on, hang on.
Ron: The daily allowance is actually 342 pounds.
Laura: Still a lot.
Ron: Still a lot.
Laura: But it's better than thousands.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So actually we're shelling out.
Ron: Okay, we're only shelling out lords now.
Laura: It's still too much.
Ron: It's still too much because they're all very rich anyway, I assume.
Ron: Anyway, there are four things on the leveling up bill that we could have changed the course of.
Ron: Stop checking twitter, please.
Laura: I want to.
Ron: No, stop.
Ron: So that's our lords.
Ron: So we're losing money, but we are.
Laura: Happier.
Ron: We do have political sway now.
Laura: All right.
Laura: Always a good investment.
Ron: Yeah.
Laura: Potentially we could do something about leveraging up the price of milk.
Ron: The milk lobby.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: We could work on a range of cars that run on milk.
Ron: Why not just increase the price of milk?
Laura: Because that feels unfair on the common person who needs milk.
Laura: I often think about milk.
Ron: This is capitalism, though.
Laura: I don't like that, though, because I think like having a child and she wakes up in the night and she's so sad and sometimes she just needs a bottle of milk to go back to sleep.
Laura: And I think, like, I'm so fortunate to be able to just go downstairs and fill up another bottle and she can have more milk.
Laura: But what if you just had just set amount of milk and you couldn't just fill up that bottle and put them back to sleep?
Laura: Everything's easier with money and it's not fair.
Ron: No, it's not.
Ron: But this is an imaginary island where we have 30 lords from the House of Lords with us.
Ron: And I don't understand why spaffing milk into cars is better than making.
Laura: Well, it would be better for the environment?
Ron: Why would it?
Ron: Cows are killing the environment, Laura.
Ron: I'm pretty sure all the cows to make loads of milk.
Laura: What's worse for the environment, cows or oil?
Ron: It depends how much of each.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: So if all cars ran on milk, would that be worse?
Ron: I probably think it would.
Laura: I don't think it would, because methane.
Ron: Is a much more potent greenhouse gas than co2.
Laura: But maybe we could put the cows in a greenhouse so that the methane gets trapped in there.
Laura: And then we'll freeze it and bury it.
Ron: No, because we could do that anyway with all these cows.
Laura: Let's do it then.
Ron: No.
Laura: Why?
Ron: Because you can't freeze methane.
Laura: Can't you?
Ron: Well, technically you could, but the amount of energy it would take to do that would create more emissions than just the methane, probably.
Laura: These cows are the big problem, aren't they?
Ron: Well, unless we get the maids milking each other, we're stuck with them.
Laura: I don't want that to happen.
Laura: I think the lords would then be a w*** central.
Ron: The lords, they're chafed raw.
Laura: And they're leaping.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Anyway, we've got Piper's piping.
Ron: Now, I never considered before I was doing this research for this, that those pipers are bagpipers.
Laura: Oh, I always pictured panpipes leaping about like that rat man.
Laura: What's his name?
Ron: Bruce Wayne.
Laura: No.
Laura: Who do I mean?
Ron: You mean the pied piper of.
Laura: That's it.
Laura: Yeah.
Laura: Piper.
Laura: Piper.
Laura: Piper.
Laura: Pippers.
Laura: Wait.
Laura: They're different people, aren't they?
Ron: Yes, because his name's not the Pied Piper.
Laura: No.
Laura: What's a pied piper?
Laura: Pied piper.
Ron: He is the Pied piper.
Laura: What do you mean, pied?
Laura: What does pied mean?
Ron: The Pied piper.
Laura: What's pied?
Ron: He's pied.
Laura: What does that mean?
Ron: The pied piper of Hamlin.
Laura: What does pied mean?
Ron: Why is he pied?
Ron: He was wearing a coat of many colored bright cloth, for which reason he was called the Pied Piper.
Laura: Oh, and he's different to Piper?
Ron: Yes.
Laura: Always thought of him as being the same person.
Laura: Until this very moment, maybe.
Ron: Anyway, so we got these bagpipers.
Ron: Bagpipes.
Ron: Expensive, man.
Laura: Yeah.
Ron: We got 33,000 pounds worth of bagpipes to buy.
Laura: They must come with their own bagpipes.
Laura: We can't be expected to supply them with bagpipes.
Ron: But if we did have to, we.
Laura: Could go through agony.
Laura: Dad's mate, Martin, he makes bagpipes.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Big up.
Ron: Bagpiper of podcast Martin.
Laura: Hi, Martin, if you're listening.
Laura: Big love to you, your wife and the girls yeah.
Ron: Family.
Laura: How's the new car?
Laura: Hope it's going well.
Laura: Can you let us know what the best price you could do on 33 bagpipes bagpipes would be?
Ron: No, it's 22 bagpipes.
Laura: 22 bagpipes.
Ron: And then we've got to hire these pipers.
Ron: So I looked up the cost of hiring bagpipers on scottishbagpipers.com.
Ron: It's 250 pounds for 5 hours.
Ron: We need them for two days.
Ron: So I'm saying they're doing two shifts of 5 hours each day.
Ron: That's 500 quid a day.
Laura: I don't understand how we're getting given all this stuff.
Laura: But with financially responsible because Russell Brown's.
Ron: Not paying for it.
Ron: They're showing up with invoices to be paid.
Laura: He is the worst.
Ron: He is the worst.
Ron: This is the worst thing he's ever done.
Laura: He could easily pay this out of his forgetting Sarah Marshall money.
Laura: And we're just here surviving on a string budget patreon that no one even f****** signs up for.
Laura: And actually, we can't afford these bagpipes.
Ron: We can't afford five bagpipe hours a month.
Laura: No.
Laura: And this is marginally more entertaining than listening to a bagpiper.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: So that's the bagpipers.
Ron: And then the next day.
Laura: Or of course there's a possibility happening on your laptop.
Ron: I don't know what's playing right now.
Ron: Oh, it's the COVID inquiry with Matt Hancock.
Ron: I was watching this while I was working the other day.
Ron: Stop that.
Ron: Yeah.
Ron: Then the next day, a bunch of drummers turn up.
Ron: So I thought rather than just telling you more numbers, we'd just hear what that sounded like and it would sound something.
Laura: Twelve drummers drumming.
Ron: A little bit like this.
Laura: It's not bad.
Laura: It's not as bad as I thought it would.
Ron: Merry Christmas, everyone.
Ron: Ron, we've been recording for an hour.
Laura: Yeah, that's about right.
Ron: Bloody h***.
Laura: Ouch.
Laura: I've stepped on another pair.
Ron: Oh, this daily allowance isn't quite enough for me.
Laura: They forgot all about us.
Laura: We don't even know what dancers are supposed to be doing.
Laura: Milk.
Laura: Milk.
Ron: Milk.
Laura: Well, thank you, Ron.
Laura: I don't know what this was, but I had a lovely time.
Ron: Just a bit of nonsense.
Laura: A bit of silly nonsense.
Ron: Bit of silly nonsense.
Ron: Have a merry Christmas, everyone.
Ron: Sign up to the Patreon and we'll see you later on this year.
Laura: We'll see you in the new.
Laura: We won't.
Ron: Is this our last episode?
Ron: We'll see you in the new year.
Laura: See you in the new year.
Laura: Back to the syllabus with a physicsy bang.
Ron: Jack Bauer, 2024.
Ron: Year dismissed.
Laura: Owe sleek's education.
Laura: Mr.
Laura: Merry Christmas.
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